Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cash!
Cash who?
I knew you were nuts!
13
Jul
13
Jul
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
13
Jul
A un tipo lo asaltaron y lo dejaron desnudo en plena calle, cuando vio a lo lejos que venÃa una monja; rápidamente su reacción fue subirse a un árbol que estaba por allÃ.
La monjita al pasar se fijó en el árbol y vió que estaba lleno de frutos y empezó a recogerlos al son de la música:
Serán bellitas serán bellotas, serán bellitas serán bellotas, y asà lo hizo durante mucho tiempo. Hasta que tomó un par de frutos que no caÃan. La monja cantaba con fuerza:
Serán bellitas serán bellotas, serán bellitas serán bellotas.
El tipo que se escondÃa en el palo sufrÃa de dolor, hasta que no aguantó más y al son de la música respondió:
¡Ni son bellitas ni son bellotas, esas dos cosas son mis pelotas!
13
Jul
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, You know, youve been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax…
Why dont you go home and take a long hot bath?
13
Jul
A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then went to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didnt say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and hes STILL acting a bit funny and Im trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether its me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know Im not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I dont know what the hell this means because you know he doesnt say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and Im wondering if hes going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say Im going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just dont know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think hes met someone else???
His story: $hitty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.
13
Jul
Secret tips for making a marriage last…
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last…
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good
food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
Somewhere I havent been in a long time!
So I suggested, How about the kitchen?
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasnt running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me In the lake.
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasnt lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage?
The driver said, No, jump in!
13
Jul
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..
13
Jul
Because they have cotton balls.
13
Jul
By the way, for we people (from India) who were born and brought up in the wrong side of the world, doing things in the wrong way has become a way of life.
For example,
- In India we drive on the wrong side of the road. Even the cars we produce or drive have steering wheels on the wrong side.
- We pronounce Z as Jed instead of Zee.
- We meekly accepted MKS (Meter,Kilogram,Second) system like the rest of the world while America proudly stuck to the FPS system.
- We use Lakhs & Crores while they use millions & billions.
- We dumbly use Celsius while they use Fahrenheit (Cool!).
- We play football only using foot. (How restricting! We lack imagination…)
- In restaurants we ask for a bill and pay it with a cheque unlike here where they ask for check and pay it with a bill (Dollar bill).
- I never realised # was the right symbol for pound instead of a L with a slash until I came here. (How stupid of me…)
- While they zoomed past with their cars filled with gallons of GAS, we keep wondering how do you measure gas in gallons.
- We think we have sense of humour while we cant even spell it right.
Even after coming to the right side of the world if I cant correct myself, what am I doing here? I should go back to the wrong side of the world where I belong.
On the other hand why dont the wrong side of the world (Obviously the rest of the world) change their ways and follow the noble example of USA.
Beats me…
13
Jul
Dont put all your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Theres no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Somebody parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other peoples jellybeans.
The grass is always greener in someone elses basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!