Old and New Jokes

Q: Why cant blondes make icecubes?

A: They can never remember the recipe.

She drives a Red Sport Car.

She has a hyphenated last name.



She thinks Cooking and Fucking are two cities in China.

A nude jogger was running past two old women.

One had a stroke, the other missed!

One day, Chaim was walking down the street when who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? Moishe. Moishe pulled up to him with a wide


smile.

Moishe, where did you get that car? Chaim asked.


Rochel gave it to me.


She gave it to you? I knew she was sweet on you, but this?


Well, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on county road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Rochel pulled off the road into the woods. She parked, got out of the car, threw off all her clothes and said, Moishe take whatever you want. So I took the car.

Moishe, youre a smart man, them clothes never would have fit you.

Finally, something other than smiley faces….

Perfect breasts

(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts

( + )( + )

Perky breasts

(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts

(@)(@)

A cups

o o

D cups

{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts

(oYo)

Cold breasts

( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts

(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts

(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts

(p)(p)

Against The Shower Door Breasts

( )( )

Android Breasts

| o | | o |

Martha Stewarts Breasts

($)($)

OK Girls–now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness — so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy…

Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller, on the Alex
Bennett radio show (KITS, San Francisco, CA):

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan comes to after
his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
Holy cow, he thinks to himself, this guy is my idol. Over at the
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
Rays thinking, Oh, wow! Ive died and gone to rock and roll heaven.
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
Close to You. Hit it, boys!

Its easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

Youve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sisters honor.

Right To Life virus: Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since its priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, hell try him over there.

His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card.

His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since thats your worse subject?

Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign – I knew they werent mucking around!

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Daves porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave noticed his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, Mabel, Id sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.



Well then, why dont you? Mabel whispered back. It is YOUR cow.