Old and New Jokes

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadnt wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM, Wake up.

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

John went to a pet store and selected a kind looking dog. He asked the salesperson about the dogs pedigree.

She said the dog came from a very long line of distinguished ancestors. Both its father and grandfather were dogs.

Its mother, she said, was a bitch and its grandmother was a r-e-a-l bitch. John was delighted and said, Is this dog smart and intelligent?

Oh, yes, she said, this dog is so smart that within a week it would teach your entire family to talk in its language.

John was impressed and asked if the dog was faithful.

The salesperson replied, I have sold this dog five times and it has always come back.

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?

She looked up and said, Why does everybody ask me that?!

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, Do you want to go to heaven?

The man said, I do Father.

The priest said, Then stand over there against the wall.

Then the priest asked the second man, Do you want to got to heaven?

Certainly, Father, was the mans reply.

Then stand over there against the wall, said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to OToole and said, Do you want to go to heaven?

OToole said, No, I dont Father.

The priest said, I dont believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you dont want to go to heaven?

OToole said, Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.

Va un joven donde un sacerdote a confesarse y le dice: padre, estoy enamorado de Cuqui, el cura le dice: ¡pero hijo, eso no es pecado! Ve en paz.

Llega otro y le dice: padre, estoy enamorado de Cuqui. También a éste le dice el cura: ¡pero hijo, eso no es pecado! Ve en paz.

Llega un tercero a confesarse y le dice: padre…; el religioso recordándose de los otros dos le dice: no me digas que tú también estás enamorado de Cuqui.

No padre, yo soy Cuqui, le responde aquel.

– Sabrás que será un mal día cuando tu hermana gemela olvide tu cumpleaños.

– Sabrás que será un mal día cuando te quieras poner la ropa de fiesta que usaste en la fiesta de ayer en la noche y descubras que nunca existió esa ropa.

– Sabrás que será un mal día cuando llames a la policía para suicidarte y te digan: Espérese un momento por favor.

– Sabrás que será un mal día cuando te despiertes durmiendo boca abajo en el suelo.

– Sabrás que tendrás un mal día cuando te pongas el sujetador al revés y te encaje mejor.

One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers.

The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and stand

in a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman.

Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when

it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.

Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.

1. He has only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasnt published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didnt behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his test.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

17. Hes been known to associate with prostitutes.

I heard this story from a Unitarian minister, who swore up and
down that it was true. The young man in question is one of his
parishoners.

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms
with his homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. His plan
was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the
kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden
spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he
was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, You mean,
homosexual?

Well…yes.

Still without looking up: Does that mean you suck mens penises?

Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an
embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:

Dont you EVER complain about my cooking again!

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but complicated job.

One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.

Unfortunitely when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.

That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.

And the moral to this story is:

Guys get in trouble over missed periods.