Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dwayne!
Dwayne who?
Dwayne in Spain falls mainly on the plain…!

You can name all the characters from the Dukes of Hazzard.

You recite lines from The Dukes of Hazzard.

You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.

Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin dog.

Youre an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just start a Coping With Darkness support group.

Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. Its the home of the University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.)

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find *No Trespassing* signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, Sir, Ive hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here.

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, Ill make you a deal. Weve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but weve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, Ill let you hunt on my property.



Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. That old bastard wont let us hunt on his property, he tells him. Im going to shoot his cow!



He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM! Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, I got the cat and dog too! Lets get the hell out of here!

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A. Not enough sand.

Q. Whats the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldnt figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyers creed:

A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q. Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

A. Skeet.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

A. Chelsea Clinton

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?)

A. …… I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates.

$50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer.

Isnt that awfully steep? asked the man.

Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

Q. Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A. You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cliff!
Cliff who?
Cliff the hedges!

Una vez estaba Pepito con su papá en la sala y le dice:

Oye papá, tengo una duda.

¿Cuál es tu duda hijo?, cuéntame.

Yo estaba leyendo una revista de las que tienes bajo tu cama y no entendí una palabra.

¿Qué palabra era, hijo?

Clítoris, ¿qué es eso papá?

Pues la verdad, hijo, que no me recuerdo, pero anoche la tenía en la punta de la lengua.