A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "Id like to buy a bra for my wife"What type of bra?" asked the clerk."Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?""Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.Confused, the man asked what the types were.The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent? And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, How, Dear?
And Dot replied, I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriahs Pony Stable (UPS).
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abrahams drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Coms trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known eBay he said, we need a name that reflects what we are, and Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.
YAHOO, said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasnt Al Gore after all.
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?
The bus driver shakes his head and says, No, Im sorry.
Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:
Will it take ME?
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10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:
10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
9) Is lighter fluid flammable?
What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
7) Are knives sharp?
6) Can sharks hurt a human?
5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
3) Can I go through a brick wall?
2) Can dogs talk?
1) Are blondes really dumb?
Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
A: The Dallas Cowboys
Q: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.
Q: Whats Jerry Jones biggest concern?
A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Whos driving?
A: The police.
Q: Why cant Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known Felons.
I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on grass.
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new Honor System.
Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 8 and 8 season this year.
8 arrests, 8 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator; Johnny Cochran.
Q: Whats the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
A: Eventually the baby stops whining.
A woman in Dallas calls 911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explain that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her Just get the guys jersey number and well get back to you.
Q: How do you confuse a Blonde?
A: Put her in a round room tell her to find a corner and pee in it.
Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She comes out and says I did it.
Knock, knock
Whos there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito just bit me.
These are actual calls to Tech support help desks
(Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.
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Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive? Customer: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?
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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: Id like a mouse mat, please. Salesperson: Certainly sir, weve got a large variety. Customer: But will they be compatible with my computer?
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:Customer: Hi. Is this the Internet?
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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to The Internet.
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Customer: So thatll get me connected to the Internet, right?
Tech Support: Yeah.
Customer: And thats the latest version of the Internet, right?
Tech Support: Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.
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Tech Support: Ok Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at thesame time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I dont have a P.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: P on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: Im not going to do that!
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Customer: My computer crashed!
Tech Support: It crashed?
Customer: Yeah, it wont let me play my game.
Tech Support: All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.
Customer: No, it didnt crash-it crashed.
Tech Support: Huh?
Customer: I crashed my game. Thats what I said before. Now it doesnt work.
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: Click on File, then New Game.
Customer: [pause] Wow! Howd you learn how to do that?
Q: Why wont they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
You might be a redneck if…
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.