Old and New Jokes

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the 70s, didnt we?

Q: How many alt.tla readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One-no! Six is!

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?

In school the lesson was about the word contagious. The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.

One girl raised her hand and said, I had the chicken pox and I couldnt go outside and play because it was contagious.

The teacher replied, That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?

One of the boys said, I couldnt go over my friends house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious.

The teacher replied, Thats good. Anyone else?

Little Johnny said, Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snowblower and blew all the snow into my neighbors driveway.

The teacher was upset and said, That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson.

Johnny spoke up, Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out.

Un mexicano está tranquilamente tomando su desayuno, cuando un típico estadounidense, mascando chicle, se sienta a su lado. El mexicano ignora al yanqui, y el americano no muy contento con eso, trata de hacerle conversación preguntando:

Excuse me, ¿ustedes se comen todo el pan?

Por supuesto, contesta el mexicano.

Nosotros no, sólo comemos la migaja de adentro del pan y la parte de afuera la ponemos en un container, la reciclamos, la transformamos en harina y la exportamos a México.

El mexicano escucha en silencio, imperturbable. El americano sigue mascando chicle e insiste:

¿Ustedes se comen la mermelada con el pan?

Por supuesto, contesta el mexicano.

Nosotros no. Nosotros en el desayuno comemos fruta fresca, la cáscara y las semillas, las ponemos en otro container, las reciclamos, la transformamos en mermelada y la exportamos a México.

El mexicano, ya un poco alterado, le pregunta:

Y ustedes, ¿qué hacen con los condones después de usarlos?

Los tiramos a la basura, of course.

Nosotros no, después de usarlos los ponemos en un contenedor. Los reciclamos; los transformamos en chicles y los exportamos a los Estados Unidos.

There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.

The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.



When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.



After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.



This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?



We cant, said the woman. Why not? came the reply. Because Im a transvestite replied the woman.



YOU BITCH! screamed the lawyer, …I CANT BELIEVE that youve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!

25 Differences Between College And High School



In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.



No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.



In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder. In college, on both.



In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teachers guide.



In college, there are no tardy slips.



In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.



In college, you dont have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.



Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadnt heard of it.)



In high school, youre told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose. That is, as long as the classes dont conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes arent closed and youve paid your tuition.



In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, youre lucky to ever talk with the professor.



In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration. In college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.



In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.



In high school, when the teacher said, Good morning, you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, Good morning, you write it down.



In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.



In college, weekends start on Thursday.



In college, its much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.



Once youve obtained the information described in #16, its much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to just happen to bump into him/her.



In college, theres no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.



In college, your dad doesnt pay for dates.



In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.



College men are cuter than high school boys (or college woman are developed).



College women are legal.



In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you dont need a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.



In high school, you cant go out to lunch because its not allowed. In college, you cant go out to lunch because you cant afford it.



In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

How does an [ethnic] take a shower?

He pisses into the wind!

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.