Old and New Jokes

there was a guy that went to alaska and asked the man at the border how to be a respected citizen and he said first you must drink a bottle of wiskey without moving an eyelash, then kill a polar bear, and last you must make love to an alaskan women and the man said ill drink the wiskey first and did without moving an eyelash. then asked the man where to find the polar bear and the man said on the outside of town. so he toke of and about an hour later came back all scratched bloody and his hair all matted and said wow, that was tough!now where do i kill the alaskan lady?!

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because

eventually you get tested. Shell go: Whats my favourite flower? And you

murmur to yourself: Sh*t, I wasnt listening … Self-raising?

Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying I could have had a V-8!
Yelling Punchbuggy! and hitting Rikers arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft.
Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge.
Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
Lecturing everybody on why its rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms.
Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there.
Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her a REAL Picard Maneuver.
Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking, Are those Bugle Boy jeans youre wearing?
Telling crewmembers in menacing Dirty Harry voice, Go ahead. Make it so.
Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up.

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.

The mexican man pleads with them, No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him and says Ok, Ill let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says,

Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,… I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
And finally,
the state of Maryland disappeared into a sink hole …

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Nana!
Nana who?
Nana you business!

AGE DRINK

17 beer

25 beer

35 vodka

48 double vodka

66 Maalox



SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.

25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.

48 My wife is away for the weekend.

66 My second wife is dead.



FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex

25 sex

35 sex

48 sex

66 napping



DRUG

17 pot

25 pot & alcohol

35 alcohol

48 power

66 scotch, a limousine, the company jet



DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 tongue

25 breakfast

35 I didnt bump into her kids.

48 She didnt set back my therapy.

66 Got home alive.



FAVORITE FEMALE PART

17 All

25 Breasts

35 Breasts

48 Breasts

66 Small butt in a thong



FAVORITE ACT

17 Anything we can get

25 Missionary

35 Oral

48 Oral

66 Oral



FAVORITE PLACE

17 Any place

25 His bedroom

35 Any place her kids arent

48 Her bedroom

66 Anywhere theres an oxygen tank



FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third

25 airplane sex

35 menage a trois

48 taking his company public

66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave



HOUSE PET

17 roaches

25 stoned-out college roommate

35 Irish setter

48 children from his first marriage

66 Bambi



WHATS THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25

25 35

35 48

48 66

66 17



IDEAL DATE

17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

25 Split the check before we go back to my place

35 Just come over.

48 Just come over and cook.

66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

E. Coli Happens

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, Whats your IQ?

The man replied,

130. So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, This is really cool.

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, Whats your IQ?

The man responded,

120. So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, Wow, this is really cool.

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, Whats your IQ?

The man replied,

80.

The robot then said, So, how are things in Poland these days?