Old and New Jokes

New domain names being proposed:

10..trekcontains audio files of William Shatner
9..billMicrosoft has bought this company
8..lovefor people who would rather cuddle
7..slowbased in a distant country with no T3 lines
6..geekassumes you know what all the acronyms mean
5..404we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996
4..y2kcontains theories about the end of the world
3..burnhuge multimedia files will crash your computer
2..*contains allegations about President Clintons sex life
1..duhexplains, in detail, stuff you already know

And here are even more new domain names being proposed:

.spamSites which offer to sell you everything you dont want
.buzExcessive use of Java Scripts
.aniHeavy use of animated GIFs
.hotThe most current, up-to-date sites
.oldSites which are updated about once a year
.carData on the automotive industry
.dogSites for dog lovers; or really ugly people
.catFeline fanatics (not to be confused with .pussy)
.birdAbout birds; as pets or as prey
.tripImages of family vacations – mental health warning
.helHealth care (.hell is copyrighted by Devil.com)
.peepDedicated to peeping-toms
.poohInformation for kids about Winnie The Pooh
.poop(left to your imagination)
.prezPresidential affairs (Paula, Monica, etc.)
.starPeople jealous of Presidential affairs
.sexSites which claim to have teenage girls waiting to do whatever you want, but are run by old guys. Also used for overflow from .prez
.dulFree sites which recycle the same low-rez images containing their URL
.lnxURLs which bounce you from one site to another, until you forgot what you wanted in the first place
.cntCounter sites, whos only purpose is to give someone credit for sending you someplace you didnt want to go
.chekURLs which use adult verification you have to pay for only to discover it isnt worth it
.jugsVariety of pottery; not female anatomy
.potCooking sites; not associated with the weed
.fanContains information about movie/music celebrities
.redUsed by soviet-block countries
.petConcerning household animals; but no Playmate Pets
.maxSites which dont accept your dads credit card because youve already maxed it out
.momInformation useful to mothers about child rearing
.dadHandy information about avoiding children
.kidTips on how to keep parents from finding out what youre doing on the Internet
.wedTips on planning a wedding; or avoiding one
.fitContains images of healthy people you didnt want to see
.fatAdult sites with images you REALLY didnt want to see
.assInformation shared by proctologists
.$$$Adult pay sites
.!!!REALLY good free adult image sites

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs Youre A Bad Surgeon General

10. Youve got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.

9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.

8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.

7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.

6. You thought Chicago Hope was going to be a hit.

5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.

4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called flu-proof socks.

3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.

2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.

1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

Can You name 3 Cars that start with P?

Nope, they all start with Gas!

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!

This guy is setting at a bar, and hes had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no.

The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, Well isnt there anything that you can give me? The bartender says, Ive got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch.

The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, Sure I can talk!

The guy thinks for a second and then says, Ive got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while Im gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.

The parrot agrees to watch the mans wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

Parrot: Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!

Man: Then what happened after that?

Parrot: They started taking each others clothes off.

Man: And then what?-getting more angry

Parrot: Your wife started jacking him off!

Man: What next?-really steamed by this time

Parrot: She started giving him a blow job!

Man: And what then, did they do anything else?

Parrot: I dont know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.

Why is my sister named Cornflower?

Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.

And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.

Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?

My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new

business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.

His new slogan was:

No Matter What Happens – You Get Your Cat Back!

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the brides and grooms families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, Silence in court!

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,

Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, OK.

Well, said Paddy, after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, God, that must have hurt!

Hurt? Paddy replies. He broke three of my fingers!

Theres this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the birds foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT! But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets angry and says, OK for you, and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the mans outstretched arm and says, Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?

A young woman brings her fiancee home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

So what are your plans? the father asks the young man. I am a Torah scholar, he replies. A Torah scholar. Hmmm, the father says. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as shes accustomed to?

I will study, the young man replies, and God will provide for us.

And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father.

I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us.

And children? asks the father. How will you support children?

Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, How did it go, Honey?

The father answers, The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks Im God.