Old and New Jokes

Después de veinte años de servicio en la compañía, el señor Pérez se animó a solicitar un aumento de sueldo. Por consejo de su compadre, que era sindicalista, escribe la solicitud en los siguientes términos:

Me es imposible continuar trabajando con ustedes con este salario…

Dos días después lo llaman a la oficina del gerente general y éste, en persona, le informa:

Señor Pérez, tengo muy buenas noticias para usted.

Sí, señor, alcanza a balbucir Pérez emocionado.

Después de presentar su carta al consejo directivo y de enfatizar que le es imposible continuar trabajando con nosotros con su sueldo actual, los miembros del consejo mostraron su acuerdo unánime en vista de sus veinte años de servicio leal a la compañía y de que todo esto va más allá de lo que es tan sólo puro dinero y, a pesar de los problemas por los que atravesamos en el momento actual derivados de la recesión de la economía estadounidense, creemos que unos cuantos pesos no nos hundirán el barco y…

Se calla el gerente para tomar un sorbo de agua. Y Pérez pregunta:

Entonces, ¿acordaron incrementarme el sueldo?

No, señor, acordamos darle una gran fiesta de despedida en el hotel Camino Real, con stripper, mariachis y toda la cosa.

yo mama is so ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with a pay check



yo mama is like a hardware store 5 cents a screw





yo mama is so fat the equators her belt





yo mama is so fat that when she goes outside with a rain coat on people yell taxi





yo mama is so ugly that when she was born her mom said what a picture and her dad said yaa lets hang it





yo mama is so poor i seen her kicking a can down the street and i asked her what she was doing and she said moving





yo mama is like a town bicycle everyone gets a ride





yo mama is so ugly that when she was born her mom said what a treasure and her dad said yep lets bury it





yo mama is so poor that she has a TV but it only has two channels on and off





last one





yo mama is so poor i walk into your house steped on your dads dick and your mom said who broke the water fountain.

Friends dont let friends drink Miller.

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, Now, what do I give them to drink?

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have the taxidermists number on speed-dial.

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

A man was walking through the desert and had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, Good God, give me some food!

As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up… There was a leper painting the ceiling.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case; Im going to let you decide where you want to go.



Bill replied, well, whats the difference between the two?



St. Peter said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.



Fine, but where should I go first?



Ill leave that up to you.



Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.



So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.



This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!



Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went.



Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.



Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.



Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.



Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire.



So Bill Gates went to Hell.



Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.



Hows everything going? he asked Bill.



Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???



That was a demo, replied St. Peter.

A mother of three is cleaning the kitchen when her youngest girl walks in and asks Mom where do babies come from? Looking surprised she answers, A baby is made when a man and a woman that love and trust each other go to a bedroom, and the man puts his penis in the womans vagina and a baby is made. The little girl then says, Oh ok. But last night when I was getting a drink I saw daddys penis in your mouth. What do you get with that? The mother answers, Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

Microsoft is to software what McDonalds is to gourmet cooking