Old and New Jokes

The Queen and Di were out for a drive in one of the Queens Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leapt out of the bushes and stopped the car. Give us your money, they shouted at the Queen.

But Im the Queen of England; I have no need for money.

Oh, shit, said the leader of the armed band, and turned to Di. Give us yer jewels.

But I dont wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions.

The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. Quick, out of the car. Well have the Range Rover at least!

And with that the robbers drove off. As the Queen and Di waited for the police to get there, Di turned to the Queen. What did you do with all the cash you had? Youre always loaded.

Ah, said the Queen, I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little private place that women have. Reaching under her skirt, she produced several thousand pounds in notes.

And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelry, my dear, the Queen said to Di.

Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have. Reaching down, she plucked out her jewelry.

They both sat quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turned to Di. You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have that Range Rover.

A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000.

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, So what did you do with the money?

Weather Channel temporarily passes Knitting Channel in ratings.
During concert, Hanson breaks out into a raucous version of mmmGuantanamera.
Tori Spelling, confused by lack of sunshine, goes into hibernation.
Unusually high tides in silicon implants responsible for delaying production of Barb Wire 2.
Instead of flying south, Canadian geese just cross the border to shop.
Home Shopping Networks ratings plummet as trailer park residents nationwide seek higher ground.
Increased moisture in air means William Shatner needs less SuperGlue to hold his hair down.
In a first for a weather pattern, El Nino signs with Nike for a cool 36 million.
Groundhog comes out of his hole on Feb. 2 and — ZAP — the only thing left of his hairy little rear is the smell of burnt fur and ozone.
Matt Lauer responds to everything Katie Couric says with a booming Claro Que Si!
Minor changes in Earths magnetic field allow Jennifer Aniston to complete a thought.
Rash of muskrat sightings in Vegas turns out to be thousands of toupees floating in from Hollywood.
Confused British nannies begin swinging babies counter-clockwise instead of clockwise.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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Thanx to Keiths Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List.

Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

Doctor: Oh, really?

Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, No, I wont sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

U.S. Lawmaker Says He Is Worried About E-Mail Pregnancy

Citing the case of a woman who claims she got pregnant from e-mail,
an Ohio Democrat called Wednesday for a chastity chip for the
Internet. Rep. James Traficant, known for his flamboyant rhetoric,
gave a brief floor speech about a woman named Frances who claimed to
have gotten pregnant through an e-mail exchange with a paramour 1,500
miles away. Thats right — pregnant, he proclaimed, warning of the
dangers of immaculate reception. He called on Congress to go beyond
v-chips that would protect kids from sexual content on the
Internet, saying, Its time for Congress to act. The computers do not
need a v-chip. The Internet needs a chastity chip.

In the middle of a gynecology conference, an English and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they have recently treated.

The French gynecologist said, Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and er cleetoris – et was like a melon!

The English gynecologist replied, Dont be absurd, it could not have been that big, my good man, she could not have been able to walk if it was.

To which the French gynecologist responded, Aaah, you Eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size … I was talkeeng about ze flavour.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Good:Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:You cant find your birth control pills
Ugly:Your daughter borrowed them
–
Good:Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad:You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly:Youre in them
–
Good:Your husband understands fashion
Bad:Hes a cross dresser
Ugly:He looks better than you
–
Good:Your sons finally maturing
Bad:Hes involved with the woman next door
Ugly:So are you
–
Good:You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad:She keeps interrupting
Ugly:With corrections
–
Good:Your wifes not talking to you
Bad:She wants a divorce
Ugly:Shes a lawyer
–
Good:The postmans early
Bad:Hes wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly:You gave him nothing for Christmas

Want to propose a girl

Just do it – Nike

Before going to propose to a girl

Believe in the best – BPL.

If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl

Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo – Vicks.

If you are going to propose to a girl

Chances are 50-50 – Britannia.

If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her

Take it easy – Limca.

Girl says NO !

Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage – Mirinda.

Those who succeed in love always say

We dream because we do – Daewoo.

If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend

Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.

If you love someone

Go get it – Visa power.

Boy riding a bike with neighbors girl

Neighbors envy owners pride – Onida.

Not satisfied with your date

Yeh dil mangey more – Pepsi.

A guy having a number of girl friends

The Complete Man – Raymonds.

A smart girl having a number of boyfriends

Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra – Colgate.

For those lost in love

Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera – Bagpiper Whisky.

For a guy r gal who hasnt yet found one

Dhoondte rehe jayo ge – Surf Exel