Old and New Jokes

Funny Sign:

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Zone!
Zone who?
Zone shadow scares him!

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

This was sent to me by someone who did not credit an author.

Go placidly among the line noise and baudrates, and remember what boredom there was before BBSing. As far as possible, do not covet your neighbors HST. Answer your Email clearly and without typos, even to the nerds that pester you, for they have something to say even if you cant figure out what it is.

Avoid female impersonators in chat, for they are dangerous to your ego. If you compare yourself with others, you may consider suicide; for there is always someone more proficient in Zmodem than yourself.

Label your disks.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; even after staying up all night downloading. Exercise caution in your business affairs; because you need the money to pay your CompuServe bill. But let this not blind you to what enjoyment there is on your local BBS; many persons strive for the most recent shareware; and uploads get you more time on line.

Be yourself. Especially, do not lie about your age or looks when responding to Email from SexyLady. Do not post messages in all caps. Neither be cynical about donations to the SYSOP; for in the face of all reality, he needs the money for the phone lines.

Beware of viruses.

Take kindly the counsel of Bill Gates and Peter Norton, gracefully admitting that they know more than you will ever learn. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you from sudden hard disk crashes. But do not distress yourself with needless worry. Many fears are born of fatigue from being connected all night to ExecPC. Register your shareware.

You are a child of the universe, you have a right to buy a 9600 V- Series Hayes. And whether or not it is clear to you, the communications program is understandable. Read the documentation.

Therefore be at peace with the SYSOP, no matter what a jerk he is, and whatever your BBS plans may be, take your spouse out to dinner occasionally.

With all its bad documentation, high registration fees, and aborted downloads, it is stll better than paying for commercial software. Be cheerful. Strive to pay your phone bill.

A man goes to his doctors and says, Doc, Ive just been raped by an elephant!

The stunned doctor replies, What makes you say that?

Well, says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, my asshole feels this big!

Bend over, and let me have a look, says the doctor.

The guy bends over and sure enough, his asshole is about ten inches across.

But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis? states the doctor.

Yeah, I know, says the agitated man, but it fingered me first!

Inmates who dont flush after eating chili for lunch.
Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.
Coming up with one too many during a head count.
Having to break up a fight in the shower.
Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.
Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks wa-a-a-y too familiar.
Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex killer.
Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.
Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to # 93A44274.

Yo mamas so fat, when she went to school, she sat next to everybody!

Yo mamas so fat, when she sits around the house, she REALLY sits around the house.

Yo mamas so fat, when she wears a Malcom X shirt, helicopters land on her!

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firms senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. Is Mr. Spenser there? asked the client on the phone.

Im very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night, the receptionist answered. Can anyone else help you?

The man paused for a moment, then quietly said no and hung up.

Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wifes lawyer.

The receptionist said, You just called a few minutes ago, didnt you? Mr. Spenser has died. Im not making this up. The man again hung up.

Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. Ive told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say hes dead? Dont you understand what Im saying?

The man replied, I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over.

Un alemán, un francés, un inglés y un mexicano comentan sobre un cuadro de Adán y Eva en el paraíso. El aleman dice:

Miren que perfección de cuerpos, ella esbelta y espigada, él con ese cuerpo atlético, los músculos perfilados… deben de ser alemanes.

Inmediatamente el francés reaccionó:

No lo creo, es claro que el erotismo que se desprende de ambas figuras, ella tan femenina, él tan masculino, saben que pronto llegará la tentación, deben de ser franceses.

Moviendo negativamete la cabeza el inglés comenta:

Para nada, noten la serenidad de sus rostros, la delicadeza de la pose, la sobriedad del gesto, solo pueden ser ingleses.

Despues de unos segundos mas de contemplacion el mexicano exclama:

¡No estoy de acuerdo! Miren bien, no tienen ropa, no tienen zapatos, no tienen casa, sólo tienen una triste manzana para comer, no protestan y todavía piensan que están en el paraíso. ¡Esos dos sólo pueden ser mexicanos!