Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Forbes!
Forbes who?
Forbes of Evil!

¡Pienso hablar seriamente con mi mujer y le diré que a partir de mañana compartiremos los deberes de la casa!

¡Vaya! eres un marido considerado.

¡No, lo que pasa es que yo no puedo con todo!

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!

The golfer, annoyed, says, What is it?



Its a special golf ball, says the salesman. You can never lose it!



Whattaya mean, scoffs the golfer, you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?



No problem, says the salesman. It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.



Well, what if you hit it into the woods?



Easy, says the salesman. It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.



Okay, says the golfer, impressed. But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?



No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!



The golfer buys it at once. Just one question, he says to the salesman. Where did you get it?



I found it.

Darn, its good to be a man.



Your last name stays put.



The garage is all yours.



Wedding plans take care of themselves



Chocolate is just another snack.



You can be president.



You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.



Car mechanics tell you the truth.



The world is your urinal.



You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just



too



icky.



Same work, more pay.



Wrinkles add character.



Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100.



People never stare at your chest when youre talking to them.



The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.



New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



One mood, ALL the time.



Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.



You know stuff about cars and trucks.



A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.



You can open all your own jars.



You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be



your



friend.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a six-pack.



Everything on your face stays its original color.



Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.



You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.



You never have strap problems in public.



You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.



You dont have to shave below your neck!



One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.



You can do your nails with a pocketknife.



You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.



You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45



minutes or less.



Now do you understand why men are so cheerful?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next days meeting, he called down to Im afraid not, sir, the clerk told him, but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, Manicures 25 cents. Why not? thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents. The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his thing into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his thingy…

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

Two rednecks are hiking through the woods when they spot a grizzly bear in the distance, charging towards them.

One of them stands rooted to the spot, while the other bends down, calmly takes off his boots, and starts to lace up his running shoes.

The first redneck looks over and says to his friend, Why bother? No one can outrun a bear. His friend looks up and says, I know that. But all I have to do is outrun you.

Come on, Steve, one guy said to another at the gym, your wife is not as bad as you say. What would you do if you found another man in bed with her?

Id break his white cane and shoot his dog.

Q: How many alt.fan.star-trek readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Illogical. We dont have such dated devices anymore.

Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, and shell screw it in as soon as she decides it isnt going to hatch.