Old and New Jokes

Three Labrador Retrievers – 1 brown, 1 yellow and 1 black – were sitting in the waiting room at the vets when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, So why are you here?

The brown lab replied, Im a pisser. I piss on everything — the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

The black lab asked, So what is the vet going to do?

Gonna give me Prozac, came the reply from the brown lab. All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, Why are you here?

The yellow lab said, Im a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.

When Im inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.

So what are they going to do to you? the black lab inquired.

Looks like Prozac for me too, the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, Why are you at the vets office?

Im a humper, the black lab said. Ill hump anything. Ill hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldnt help myself.

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, So, Prozac for you too, huh?

The black lab said, No, Im here to get my nails clipped!

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track? Tom says, I would switch one train to another track.

What if the lever broke? asks the inspector. Id run down to the tracks and use the manual lever, answers Tom.

What if that had been struck by lightning? challenges the inspector. Then, Tom continues, Id run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.

What if the phone was busy? In that case, Tom argues, Id run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.

What if that had been vandalized? Oh, well, says Tom, in that case Id run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, Why would you do that?

Because hes never seen a train crash!

Im no Wilma Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

A German, a Pollock, and a Jew sit down at the bar.

The Bartender says, What is this, some kind of Joke?

You might be a redneck if…

Youre a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, What would Curly do?

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are Play Ball…

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Youve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

On stag night, you take a real deer.

You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

A young man goes to the Doctor one morning and says Doctor I got this problem.

What is your problem? replies the doctor.



Well Ill show you . . . he pulls down his pants and he has this great whacking hole in his bum . . .



How did you manage that? asks the doctor . . . Well let me explain . . . I went on holiday to Africa and this huge elephant bummed me.



Doctor says hmmmm, but elephants only have little willies.



The man replies, I know …. but he fingered me first

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!
Ive trapped her legs, shes tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and I want food!
I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my humans chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth-
And my claws I will unsheath
For the morning here
and its time to play
always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!

Glasses you use to read books by during the television commercials.

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, You know youve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.

The second one said, No, you know youve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, Now THATS a good date!!

there was a jewish guy an asian guy and an aussie in an airoeplane that was about to crash. the needed to get rid of as much weight as possible so the jewish guy chuks some bread out the window and says we jewish people have got enough of this and the asain guy chuked a tamagotchi out and said my people have enough of these so then the aussie threw the asian guy out the window and said we have way to may of these in australia