Old and New Jokes

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself
stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay. Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, You mean, lesbian?

Well… yes.

Still without looking up: Does that mean lick women down below?Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:Dont you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!

A new aid to rapid–almost magical–learning has made its appearance.
Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will
be so much junk.
The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The
makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK(tm).
Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching
aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no
electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity
power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need
replacement.
Anyone can use BOOK(tm), even children, and it fits comfortably into the
hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.
How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work?
Basically BOOK(tm) consists only of a large number of paper sheets.
These may run to hundreds where BOOK(tm) covers a lengthy program of
information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets
cannot be used in the wrong order.
To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order
they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a binding.
Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in
the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration
on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger
turns it
over and further information is found on the other side. By using both sides
of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both
the size and cost of BOOK(tm). No buttons need to be pressed to move
from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK(tm), or to start it working.
BOOK(tm) may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it.
Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on.
The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he
pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for
any required information sequence.

A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOK(tm)mark.
This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the
previous learning session. BOOK(tm)mark is versatile and may be used in
any BOOK(tm).

The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast
range of BOOK(tm)s is available, covering every conceivable subject and
adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK(tm), small enough to be
held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.

Once purchased, BOOK(tm) requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or
wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device
patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.

BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the
program schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.
Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great
advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.

A Bosss response:

BOOK(tm)* does not, in spite of the claims, seem to have great
advantages with no drawbacks. Soon, it probably wont even be legal.
Consider:

It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire. Being
paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations
wouldnt allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close
proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHAs request.

Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be
used in the wrong order. How quaint; to think that the programmer
(author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user!
Cannot is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong
page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as
requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear
conflict with The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or
forwards as he pleases.

BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference.
The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be
practical.

the motive power — is supplied by the brain of the user. Clearly, the
inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would
suggest even expecting a user to have a brain present, much less to use
it so continuously.

Id suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough
associative search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this
nonsense.

Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

You might be a redneck if…
Youre turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

A bald guy walks into a bar, turns to the noticably short bartender, and says Hey midget, gimme a beer!

The bartender gives the man a beer, but tells the man not to refer to him as a midget.

A few drinks later, the guy turns to the bartender and again says, hey midget… gimme another beer!

The bartender gets upset and warns the man about calling him a midget, but gives him his beer.

After the thrid time this happens, the bartender says, Hey! I told you to stop calling me a midget! How would you like it if I called you baldy if our positions were reversed?

The guy thinks about it and admits that he wouldnt mind. The bartender disagrees, and ultimately they agree to switch positions to let the man see how it feels.

The bartender moves to the front of the bar, and the guy moves to the back. The bartender says, Hey baldy, gimme a beer!

The guy leans over the bar and says, Sorry, but we dont serve midgets here.

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me whats wrong with me.

Lets begin with a few questions, said the doctor, Do you drink much?

Alcohol? said the man. Im a teetotaler. Never touch a drop.

How about smoking? asked the doctor.

Never, replied the man. Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it.

Well, uh. asked the doctor, do you have much sex life?

Oh, no, said the man. Sex is sin. Im in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been.

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, Well, do you have pains in your head?

Yes, said the man. I have terrible pains in my head.

O.K., said the doctor. Thats your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!!

Ginny was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

Hello, sir, she said, Do you like movies?

Yes, I do, he responded, then returned to his book.

Ginny persisted. Do you like gardening?

The man again looked up from his book. Yes, I do, he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Ginny asked. Do you like pussycats?

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Ginny, ravaging her as shed never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Ginny dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, How did you know that was what I wanted?

The man replied, How did you know my name was Katz?

Are You Feeling Stressed Out?
 

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head youre holding under the water.

Look. Its the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up… just for a quick breath… then plop!…back under they go…

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now… feeling better?

RAINY-web

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.