Old and New Jokes

A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him.

He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you dont believe me.

The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, Is everything in your establishment really gold?

Yes, he replied, everything is gold colored.

Even the urinal? she queried.

The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.

71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.

73. You dont have to cover your textbooks anymore.

74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties…

75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).

79. Procrastination becomes an art.

80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

Lily Tomlin

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

Its beautiful! cried the man, Does he do any tricks?

Yes he does, answered the salesman.

If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing Jingle Bells. And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Amazing! exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately.

That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that hed bought.

Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks? asked the wife.

The man smiled and said, Watch this.

Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing Jingle Bells. Then he put the match under the birds left foot, and it began to sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Thats incredible! Does he do anything else? the wife asked.

I dont know, lets see, replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Of the many psychometric devices designed to measure the dimensions of human variation, the Hidden Brain Damage Scale stands alone as the only instrument capable of predicting a preference for pimento loaf. For this reason, and despite the sizable revenues that might accrue from the copyright, we offer the scale here for public consumption. It was authored in a flurry of graduate school insight some years ago by Robin Vallacher (Illinois Institute of Technology), Christopher Gilbert (private practice, New Jersey) and Daniel Wegner (Trinity University, San Antonio, Texas). Although a true-false format is recommended, we have found that many test-takers opt for the response of getting tangled up in the drapery.The Hidden Brain Damage Scale1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
2. I cant unclasp my hands.
3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
6. I often mistake my hands for food.
7. Id rather eat soap than little stones.
8. I never liked room temperature.
9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. My throat is closer than it seems.
11. I can smell my nose hairs.
12. Im being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
17. Ive lost all sensation in my shirt.
18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
19. My best friend is a social worker.
20. Ive always known when to close my eyes.
21. My squirrels dont know where I am tonight.
22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
24. I walk this way because I have to.
25. Walls impede my progress.
26. I cant find all my marmots.
27. Theres only one thing for me.
28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
29. I can pet animals

A woman and a baby come into the doctors office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, Is he breast fed or on the bottle?

Oh…he is breast fed!, replied the woman.

Well then, strip down to your waist, orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says –

No wonder this baby is so hungry. You dont have any milk!

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds…Well of course I dont.

Im his aunt – but Im SURE GLAD I brought him in!

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

Who is it?, calls one of the nuns.

Blind man, replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

Nice tits, says the man, where do you want these blinds?

Did you here about the pharmaceutical company?

They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent and become a nun.

The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

A greenhorn was telling his buddy what a great hunter he was. When they arrived at their cabin, the greenhorn said,You get the fire started and Ill go shoot us something for supper. After a few minutes, the greenhorn met a grizzly bear. He dropped his gun, headed for the cabin, with the bear in hot pursuit. When he was a few feet away from the cabin, the greenhorn tripped over a log. The bear couldnt stop and skidded through the open cabin door. The greenhorn got up, slammed the door, and yelled to his friend inside,You skin that one, and Ill go get us another one!

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