Knock Knock
Whos there?
Saturn!
Saturn who?
Saturnday Night Fever!
25
Apr
25
Apr
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You think a cursor is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
25
Apr
When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didnt think they were all going to be tax collectors. — Jay Leno
25
Apr
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what hes doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.
My condolences, says the bartender, thinking that one of the mans friends has died.
No, no, says the man, theyre both still alive. Ive just quit drinking.
25
Apr
Theorem: 1$ = 1c.
Proof:
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.
1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c
Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhDs in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.
25
Apr
How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.
Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldnt figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
Whats the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.
What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.
How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.
What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.
Where do you look for blondes obituaries?
Under Home Improvements.
Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.
Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasnt gotten all the hair off his tongue.
How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin brother?
He didnt realize he was looking in a mirror.
Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to waterski?
He couldnt find a lake with a slope.
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue!
Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
He didnt know where to buy Left Guard!
Why couldnt the blonde bob for apples?
His sister was using the toilet.
A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat?
Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
Why dont blondes have elevator jobs?
They dont know the route.
What did the blonde do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Did you hear about the blonde who couldnt wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer!
Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
What does a postcard from a blondes vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.
Why dont blondes make good pharmacists?
They cant get the bottle into the typewriter.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills.
How does a blonde hemophiliac treat himself?
Acupuncture.
Why did the blonde get so excited after he finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said From 2-4 years.
Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
He missed.
Whats the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when its being cut down.
Why are most blonde jokes one-liners?
So men will understand them.
What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning?
Packed his lunch and sent him to work.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
She had it bronzed.
Whats a blondes favorite color?
A light shade of clear.
What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Did you hear about the blonde prisoner who was found in his cell with half a dozen bumps on his head?
He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord.
Hear about the blonde explorer?
He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
How did the blonde moonwalk?
He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.
What do a group of blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.
A blondes house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic. The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get to her house. The blonde replies, Duh, in your big red fire truck.
25
Apr
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So youre a man, thats interesting. Im a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Theres nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Arent you having any?"The woman replies, "No. I think Ill just wait for the police…"
25
Apr
[Ed: Edited]
Adolf Hitler was very keen on the occult, so he went to a
fortune teller hoping that the woman could tell him how long he
would live.
After careful charting, she said, I cant predict the exact date of
your death, but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday.
And which holiday will this be? he asked.
It does not matter. she replied. Any day that you die will be a
Jewish Holiday.
25
Apr
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?
The bus driver shakes his head and says, No, Im sorry.
Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:
Will it take ME?
============
10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:
10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
9) Is lighter fluid flammable?
8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
7) Are knives sharp?
6) Can sharks hurt a human?
5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
3) Can I go through a brick wall?
2) Can dogs talk?
1) Are blondes really dumb?
25
Apr
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she wont drink from my glass!
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put the mirror over our bed, too. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
Im a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.