A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didnt back off he asked her name.
Carmen, she replied.
Thats a nice name, he said warming up the conversation, Who named you, your mother?
No, I named myself, she answered.
Oh, thats interesting. Why Carmen?
Because I like cars, and I like men, she said looking directly into his eyes. So whats your name? she asked.
Beersex.
Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, You arent so good in bed either! and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?
I was in bed.
What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?
Getting a second opinion.
A security man has a dream that the plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up he calls his boss at home and tells him. Insanely enough, the boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.
The next day, according to the young mans words, the plane crashes. The relieved boss calls the young man to his office and gives him a reward — and then fires him. Curious as to why he is fired, the man asks his boss. The boss replies, ?You were sleeping on the job.?
Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a planes windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, itll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAAs chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineers seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.
Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the wild thing, so they decide to just refer to it as washing the clothes. One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesnt want to have to entertain their guests.
So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, Lets go wash the clothes. Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while theyre entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she wont give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.
While hes upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun theyd have if they COULD wash the clothes. Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that shell be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.
Tell her its ok, says John. I already did them by hand.
Yo mama so nasty she made right guard turn left.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.