Old and New Jokes

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "Ive played so poorly all day, I think Im going to go drown myself in that lake."The caddy looks back at him and says, "I dont think you could keep your head down that long."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea… lets pretend were married.

Why not? giggles the woman.

Good, he replies. Get your own blanket!

What sounds do Porkey Pines make when they are kissing ? OUCH !!!!!!

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?

A: Just One… Boomer Esiason.

My son is so lazy he hates emptying the trash in the recycle bin on his computer.

On the subject of Cheers, my favorite setup occurred as follows:

Diane comes in to Cheers and the gang virtually ignores her. Then Norm walks in.

Gang: NORM!!!!

Norm: Hello everybody.

Diane: How come you guys cant do that when I walk in?

Sam: You know, youre right Diane. Walk out and come back in.

Diane walks out and then comes back in.

Gang: NORM!!!

…and gets a call from a friend.
I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, Im sending him over. The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
A female horth, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth. Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. OK, what about the earsth?
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. OK, finally, Id like to see her twat. With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, Perhapth I should rephrase. Id like to see her run!

Women One Liners

1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

2. Why dont women blink during foreplay? They dont have time.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Not one will stop to ask directions.

4. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

5. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually mature.

7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We dont know; it has never happened.

9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.

10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

12. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

Ill tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.
Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It wont be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.
If cigarettes keep going up in price, Im going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?
The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon its going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.
If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess wed be better off leaving the car in the garage.
Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.
Also, their music drives me wild. This Rock Around The Clock thing is nothing but racket.
Im afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a hell or a damn in it.
Also, it wont be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?
Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore.
Pretty soon you wont be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar.
I read the other day where some scientist thinks its possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century.They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.
Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldnt surprise me if someday theyll be making more than the president.
Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?
I never thought Id see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
Its too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
It wont be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
Marriage doesnt mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.
Ill tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they wont be able to sit down for a week.
Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?
Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.
Im just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
Thank goodness I wont live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.
Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isnt she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer.
I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids Dont take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it.
The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.
No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.
If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country thats fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.
I dont know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, Ill just have to drink mine at home.
If they think Ill pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. Ill have my wife learn to cut hair.
We wont be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.
Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.