A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While hes in there, the husband tells his wife: Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, hell kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you. To which his wife responds: He wasnt kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
Your momma is so fat . . .
Shes got Amtrak written on her leg.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a
smile, gave him a broom and said, Your first job will be to
sweep out the store.
But Im a college graduate, the young man replied
indignantly.
Oh, Im sorry. I didnt know that, said the manager. Here,
give me the broom – Ill show you how.
The world is divided up into two groups of people. Those who think the
world is divided up into two groups of people and those who do not.
You cant tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Dog Breeds that did not make it:
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog thats true to the end
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesnt matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog thats not much fun
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
The Two Cow Explanation of what makes…
A Christian Democrat: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A Socialist (or a Canadian New Democrat): You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A Republican (or a Canadian Conservative): You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A Democrat (or a Canadian Liberal): You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A Communist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A Fascist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
Democracy, American Style: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
Capitalism, American Style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
Bureaucracy, American Style: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
An American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A German Corporation: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
An Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you dont know where they are. You break for lunch.
A Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A Mexican Corporation: You think you have two cows, but you dont know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A Brazilian Corporation: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
An Indian Corporation: You have two cows. You worship them.
Hummm
HE GRABBED ME AROUND MY SLENDER NECK
I COULD NOT CALL OR SCREAM.
HE DRAGGED ME TO MY DINGY ROOM
WHERE WE COULD NOT BE SEEN.
HE TORE AWAY MY FLIMSY WRAP
AND GAZED UPON MY FORM.
I WAS SO COLD AND DAMP AND SCARED
WHILE HE WAS DRY AND WARM.
HE PRESSED HIS FEVERISH LIPS TO MINE
ICOULD NOT MAKE HIM STOP.
HE DRAINED ME OF MY INNER SELF
I GAVE HIM EVERY DROP.
THEN HE CAST ME FROM HIS SIDE
SO NOW YOU SEE ME HERE.
AN EMPTY BOTTLE THROWN AWAY
THAT ONCE WAS FULL OF BEER.
Q: Whats brown and often found in childrens underpants?
A: Michael Jacksons hand.