Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, Im stupid. That way you wouldnt rely on them, would you? You wouldnt ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didnt see your sign.Its like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Heres your sign.A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the doce, I lifted up this big ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, yall catch all them fish? Nope – Talked em into giving up. Heres your sign.I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a gut inventing a shark bite suit. And theres only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump intot his pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I dont wanna lose it.Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, Tire go flat? I couldnt resist. I said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Heres your sign.We were trying to sell our car about a years ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, Darn thats hot! See? If hed been wearing a sign, I could have stopped him.I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldnt ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. the truck got stuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for he
A long time ago, way back then…we used to spell Canada, Cnd.
Why? you ask. Well its really simple…
Its because we forgot the eh?
Culled from elementary school essays on U.S. politics
Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.
The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not.
It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.
Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.
The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.
Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.
The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.
Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while politics are with us all the time.
The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.
In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.
Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.
The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.
One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people.
Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected.
A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth.
An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention and whelms the delegates.
The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.
Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.
Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.
A split ticket is when you dont like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up.
When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.
Political strategy is when you dont let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.
A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.
Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.
Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
Valuation: Just Because Its Not Important to You . . .
Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
Two boys show up at the local drugstore.
One is 12 years old and the other is 6. The older boy orders some Tampax for his little brother.
You must be a little mixed up, the clerk says, dont you want it for your mother?
The kid keeps insisting he wants it for his brother and says, I saw on TV if you wear Tampax you can ride a bicycle and go swimming…he cant do any of those things now.
HabÃa 2 aventureros argentinos en la selva misionera… pasaron largos dÃas explorando y sobreviviendo. Cuando estaban llegando a Posadas, uno sin querer se cruza con una serpiente venenosa con tan mala suerte que ésta lo muerde en sus genitales; entonces el tipo cae al suelo y le grita al amigo:
¡Apúrate! ¡No te quedes ahà parado! ¡Anda a buscar un médico!
El otro sale disparando y llega a Posadas… allà encuentra a un médico y le dice:
Doctor, a mi amigo lo mordió una serpiente venenosa. ¿Qué hago?
Bueno, primero debe succionar en la herida, y luego me lo trae…
Entonces el tipo vuelve al lugar donde estaba su pobre amigo todo retorcido y herido que al verlo llegar le pregunta:
¿Y? ¿Qué te dijo el médico?
Y… que te vas a morir nomás…
Una mañana, el pene estaba mirando hacia abajo, todo cabizbajo y cansado; en eso, el pie voltea hacia arriba y lo ve un poco preocupado por el aspecto que mostraba y lo saluda:
¿Qué tal, pene?
¿Qué tal?
Oye, ¡qué mala cara traes el dÃa de hoy!
SÃ, ¿verdad? En cambio tú te ves muy descansado, como siempre. ¡Se ve que te tratan bien!
¡Bueno, no me quejo, me tratan bien! Te diré que cuando estoy muy cansado, me miman con baños de agua caliente, cremas refrescantes, me cortan mis uñitas, etc. Todo con tal de mantenerme contento y descansado. Pero ¿y tú? Se ve que no te tratan tan bien.
¡Cómo te envidio! En cambio a mÃ… Yo comienzo con el mal trato desde las mañanas, cuando me meten a bañar, parece que me quisieran ahogar, pues me aprietan el pescuezo justo cuando esta cayendo el agua sobre mÃ, después que termina esa tortura, me meten en una cosa que se llama calzoncillo y me traen todo el dÃa con la mejilla pegada a la pared. Solamente me dejan salir a ciertas horas del dÃa y eso es generalmente después de que ingieren algún liquido o comida… ¡Pero eso no es todo! Ya después de toda la jornada, yo trato de descansar y, cuando lo logro, los vecinos de atrás, que trabajan de noche, me despiertan en ocasiones para que les ayude con algo que se les haya quedado pendiente: yo creo que son mineros porque que me meten a un túnel bastante húmedo… Me meten y me sacan , me meten y me sacan… Y de lo apestoso que está… ¡ME VOMITO Y ME DESMAYO!
There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, License and Registration please.
Its okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this, she said smiling.
Thats impossible! The officer replied, Ive never heard of such a license.
To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration.
She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, Can you see this?? It says so right here: Tear Along The Dotted Line.
After years of listening to her plead, a hunter finally decided to let his wife come hunting with him. He led her into the woods and left her in a blind with instructions on what to do when a deer came within range.
He had no sooner arrived at his own blind when he heard a shot coming from his wifes direction. The first shot was quickly followed by several more. He immediately ran back to see what had happened, only to find a man standing in front of his wife with his hands up shouting, OK lady, its your deer! Just let me take the saddle off!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once!