Old and New Jokes

Once there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They all had to go to
the desert and take one thing.

The brunette took a water bottle, the redhead took an umbrella and the
blonde took a car-door.

They were walking in the desert with their objects and 3 men came up to
them and said to the Brunette, why have you got a water bottle? The
Brunette replied, To drink water!

They asked the redhead,why do you have an umbrella? She said,Because if
it gets hot I can have some shade.

Then they asked the blonde, Why do you have a car-door? She replied, If
it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window!

A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree.



He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, Im hanging myself.



Youre supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist, said the man.



I tried that, replied the blonde, but I couldnt breathe…

A great way to
lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.
Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?

A 50% discount on the 50th year of Independence sure does sound like a slick offer, right?

A software company which launched its new vernacular package recently had its sales rep. complaining Thank God,its not the 100th year!

Chalapathi, proud of being an Indian 🙂

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Alcoholics Alias is a group in which you continue to drink, but under
an assumed name.

Signs youve had too much of the 90s!

You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as getting wasted. You havent played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back Whats for dinner?

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you havent spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didnt give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

And finally… You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!

Skirts are better ventillated, making you more comfortable, and possibly less prone to infertility and impotence.
No more caught zippers (or things caught painfully in zippers).
You have a better choice of colours, styles, and fabrics with skirts,
So much more convenient for making love in the open air
No more trousers getting caught in your bicycle chain; throw those trouser clips away!
No more white legs when you strip off to swim
You too can learn to double cross your legs like your wife or girlfriend; Give your boss something else to think about while he lectures you about your poor results.
Erections can be more easily disguised under the folds, and more easily acted upon when the moment is right.
Youre a new man feminist? Great! then youll WANT to identify with your female friends/partner(s); learn to share skirts with them; go on buying expeditions together; no need to stop at the door of the underwear department either!
Beat that prejudice at work where men in suits only listen to other men in suits; now men and women in skirts will listen to other men and women in skirts.

Men! Dont be a prisoner of modern macho!

Do what men did for thousands of years before trousers were invented – go out and wear a skirt today!

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they aint so bright after all.

Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Did he kill you?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whos death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: I have been since early childhood.