There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.
The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.
When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.
After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.
This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?
We cant, said the woman. Why not? came the reply. Because Im a transvestite replied the woman.
YOU BITCH! screamed the lawyer, …I CANT BELIEVE that youve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!
25 Differences Between College And High School
In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder. In college, on both.
In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teachers guide.
In college, there are no tardy slips.
In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
In college, you dont have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadnt heard of it.)
In high school, youre told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose. That is, as long as the classes dont conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes arent closed and youve paid your tuition.
In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, youre lucky to ever talk with the professor.
In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration. In college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
In high school, when the teacher said, Good morning, you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, Good morning, you write it down.
In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
In college, weekends start on Thursday.
In college, its much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
Once youve obtained the information described in #16, its much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to just happen to bump into him/her.
In college, theres no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
In college, your dad doesnt pay for dates.
In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
College men are cuter than high school boys (or college woman are developed).
College women are legal.
In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you dont need a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.
In high school, you cant go out to lunch because its not allowed. In college, you cant go out to lunch because you cant afford it.
In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
How does an [ethnic] take a shower?
He pisses into the wind!
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
there was a guy that went to alaska and asked the man at the border how to be a respected citizen and he said first you must drink a bottle of wiskey without moving an eyelash, then kill a polar bear, and last you must make love to an alaskan women and the man said ill drink the wiskey first and did without moving an eyelash. then asked the man where to find the polar bear and the man said on the outside of town. so he toke of and about an hour later came back all scratched bloody and his hair all matted and said wow, that was tough!now where do i kill the alaskan lady?!
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. Shell go: Whats my favourite flower? And you
murmur to yourself: Sh*t, I wasnt listening … Self-raising?
Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying I could have had a V-8!
Yelling Punchbuggy! and hitting Rikers arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft.
Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge.
Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
Lecturing everybody on why its rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms.
Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there.
Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her a REAL Picard Maneuver.
Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking, Are those Bugle Boy jeans youre wearing?
Telling crewmembers in menacing Dirty Harry voice, Go ahead. Make it so.
Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up.
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.
The mexican man pleads with them, No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him and says Ok, Ill let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says,
Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,… I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
And finally,
the state of Maryland disappeared into a sink hole …
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Nana!
Nana who?
Nana you business!