Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?!
.. and one of the guys says, the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE
How many of these do you remember?
Blackjack chewing gum
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy cigarettes
Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Party lines
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933)
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
S&H Green Stamps
Hi-fis
Metal ice trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Blue flashbulbs
Beanie and Cecil
Roller skate keys
Cork popguns
Drive-ins
Studebakers
Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = Youre still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Dont tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = Youre older than dirt!
An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you used to bite me on my neck.
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
Where are you going? she asked.
He answered, To get my teeth!
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.Tom wasnt happy about that: When are you going to learn to be polite?Bill: If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?Tom: The smaller piece, of course.Bill: What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?
An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the 70s, didnt we?
Q: How many alt.tla readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One-no! Six is!
In school the lesson was about the word contagious. The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.
One girl raised her hand and said, I had the chicken pox and I couldnt go outside and play because it was contagious.
The teacher replied, That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?
One of the boys said, I couldnt go over my friends house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious.
The teacher replied, Thats good. Anyone else?
Little Johnny said, Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snowblower and blew all the snow into my neighbors driveway.
The teacher was upset and said, That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson.
Johnny spoke up, Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out.
Un mexicano está tranquilamente tomando su desayuno, cuando un tÃpico estadounidense, mascando chicle, se sienta a su lado. El mexicano ignora al yanqui, y el americano no muy contento con eso, trata de hacerle conversación preguntando:
Excuse me, ¿ustedes se comen todo el pan?
Por supuesto, contesta el mexicano.
Nosotros no, sólo comemos la migaja de adentro del pan y la parte de afuera la ponemos en un container, la reciclamos, la transformamos en harina y la exportamos a México.
El mexicano escucha en silencio, imperturbable. El americano sigue mascando chicle e insiste:
¿Ustedes se comen la mermelada con el pan?
Por supuesto, contesta el mexicano.
Nosotros no. Nosotros en el desayuno comemos fruta fresca, la cáscara y las semillas, las ponemos en otro container, las reciclamos, la transformamos en mermelada y la exportamos a México.
El mexicano, ya un poco alterado, le pregunta:
Y ustedes, ¿qué hacen con los condones después de usarlos?
Los tiramos a la basura, of course.
Nosotros no, después de usarlos los ponemos en un contenedor. Los reciclamos; los transformamos en chicles y los exportamos a los Estados Unidos.