The trouble with life is that its a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.
12
Apr
12
Apr
Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
12
Apr
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.
"Thats right, said the husband, "and dont you ever forget it. Im the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"
She replied, "Thats right, and thats the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."
12
Apr
What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
Lipstick.
12
Apr
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.
After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, Are Banta Singh ! What the hecks goin on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ? Scared Banta replies. Yeah, but youve got a driver.
12
Apr
The Bridger Wilderness Area asks hikers in this pristine area to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers.
Trail needs to be reconstructed.Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call ___ ___ ____.
Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
Need more signs to keep area pristine.
A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
TOO Many Rocks…
11
Apr
Q: How does Al Gores household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
11
Apr
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the new light bulbs arent compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
11
Apr
Ur mama is like a 5 ft basketball hoop…
everybody scores!!!
Your mama is like a vacum cleaner…
she sucks, she blows, then you put her back in the closet
Your mama is so fat…
when she steps on the scale it says to be continued
when she wears high heals she strikes oil
your mama is so old…
she sat behind jesus in the 3rd grade
she has Mosess pager number
she broke the Liberty Bell
she owes Saint Peter a nickle
11
Apr
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, Hey, dont you know who I am? The man says, Yep, sure do.
Satan says, Well, arent you afraid of me? The man says, Nope, sure aint.
Satan, perturbed, says, And why arent you afraid of me? The man says, Well, Ive been married to your sister for 25 years.