A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills. She
had 14 kids, but she doesnt give a shit.

Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in his life.

After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here.


What made you come?


Cohen said, I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like mine and I knew that Levi came to Services every


Saturday.


I also knew that Levy takes off his hat during Services and he leaves it in the back of the sanctuary. So, I was going to leave after the SHMAH and steal Levis hat.


The rabbi said, Well, Cohen, I notice that you didnt steal Levys hat.

What changed your mind?


Cohen said Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didnt need to steal Levys hat.

The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?


Cohen shook his head and said No, Rabbi, after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery


I remembered where I left it.

Condom that doubles as a self-inflating hot-air balloon (with reservoir tip)
The Cartman – an anal probe that facilitates otherwise impossible ski moves
Palm Pilot to distract bad guys with that hilarious Top 5 List
Condom coated with truth serum
Can of whoop-ass disguised as a Diet Coke
Miniature caulking gun for holes in the plot
Giant foam hand that says British Secret Service #1!
Viagra Martini: for when hes shaken, not stirred
Really grippy pliers
Cool British sports car that — get this — actually *runs*!

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Cool New Gadget Used by James Bond…

Whatever it is, I bet a cheap plastic replica of it will fit in a Happy Meal.

Rumination of the Day: If you get a headache while in church, that means that God is trying to see what youre thinking. Contrary to logic, you should not make things easier by yelling to God, So why didnt the Thundercats have their own theme park?
(Dakota Shepard)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning, looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular: Well, I guess we answered THAT question…

From: The Lighter Side of Laughter Site

Menachem needs his tallis dry-cleaned. He sends it to the best dry cleaner in town, Ho Chi Wung Cleaners.


They tell him to come back in a week.


When he comes back, they give him the bill, which says $50.00.


Fifty dollars to clean my tallis?!, Menachem reads, astonished.


No, no, no! replies the dry-cleaner. Five dollars to clean tallis, forty-five dollars to take out all knots!

How do you know if you are a geek?

Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $

500.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

Yes? she enquires with a knowing smile, can I help you?

I was wondering, whispers the man, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

Yes, she purrs, I am.

The man replies Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

A guy walks into a store to buy brains. He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost. They saleswoman tells him, $5/gram for womens brains, $20/gram for dogs brains, and $100/gram for mens brains.

So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman, How come mens brains are so much more expensive than womens brains or dogs brains?

And the saleswoman replies, Are you kidding!?!?!?!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains????

and under the lid it said Please Try Again Because they were having a contest I was unaware of. I thought I opened the yougurt wrong. Or perhaps Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Cmon Mitchell, Dont give up. Please Try Again. A Word of Inspiration from your friends at Yoplait Fruit on the Bottom, Hope On Top

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Dont think that youre thinking. If you think that youre thinking you only think that youre thinking.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

Why is it, when a door is open its ajar, but when a jar is open, its not adoor?