Old and New Jokes

A blonde goes to get her haircut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, How do you like it? The blonde says, Its okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewarts wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world."Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Dont be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think theres yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby."No, no, dont be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems theres yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think its the light thats attractin them?"

The warden was making his usual round at the asylum and saw one of the inmates holding a fishing rod. He had the end of the rod dangling in the washbasin. Trying to be kind, the warden asked, “Catch anything?”

The inmate replied, “In a washbasin? Are you crazy.”

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party.

That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. Dont let me spoil a good time for you, she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, I wonder what my husband really does when Im not around.

She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldnt recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked Well, how was the party?

He replied, It was no fun without you honey.

She said, I dont believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!

He replied, Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY:

1. Dad, when he gets a cold.

2. Moms youngest child, even if hes 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Moms reason for having kids do things which cant be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

COOK:

1. Act of preparing food for consumption.

2. Moms other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See DADS UNDERWEAR.

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See WISHFUL THINKING.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EXCUSE ME: One of Moms favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be put out by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question Whats for dinner tonight? See SARCASM

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Moms kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

I SAID SO: Reason enough, according to Mom

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JEEEEEEEEZ!: Slang for Gee Mom, isnt there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An exaggeration Mom uses to transform her childs papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See Kids Friends

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look like a tramp.

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once its turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

MOMMMMMMM!: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH:

1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.

2. Main element of Moms favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of childrens mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Moms nickname for Dad.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who dont eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because theyre buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because its in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear the geeky thing.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive childrens clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her childs special needs.

TERRIBLE TWOS: Having both kids at home all summer.

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be Just like Daddy.

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.

WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Thats a second year subject.

Un chaval le pregunta a otro:

¿Que quieres ser de mayor?

¿Yo? Imbécil.

¿Por qué?

Porque mi padre siempre dice: ¡Qué de pasta tiene ese imbécil! ¡Qué tía más buena sale con este imbécil! ¡Qué cochazo tiene ese imbécil!

Halfway thru bootcamp the hairlip calls home to his buddy. Man this is tough, the drill seargent took three of us way up in a plane.He opened the door and told the first guy JUMP!! and the guy did. He grabbed the next guy and said JUMP!! and he did.He looked at me and said JUMP!! I told him no i just cant. He pulled out his big thang and said, you jump or im gonna screw you with this. My goodness said his buddy, did you jump? Well yeah said the hairlip, a little bit right at first.

Boris was working in the potato fields,when he found a lamp. he rubbed it to clean it up when a genie appeared. the genie gave him one wish.boris did not believe the genie so he asked the genie to make his pee turn into the finest russian vodka the land has ever tasted.the genie said that will be done ,whenever you pee it will be vodka. boris went home that night to tell his wife,natasha, about the experience with the genie.together they decided to taste boris pee and sure enough it did taste like vodka, in fact the best they had ever tasted.so every night after work boris would rush home from the fields and promptly set out two glasses and then pee into each one for him and natasha to enjoy the vodka.one night boris came home and set out one glass,natasha noticed this and asked him if they were going to drink vodka tonite and boris replied,yes my dear we are,but tonite you drink from the bottle.

There were three kids that needed a place to stay for the night. They saw a house and knocked….. A farmer ansered the door and the kids asked if they could stay the night. The farmer said yes and told them to sleep in the barn but no matter what DONT eat his wifes fresh baked pie. So the kids went to sleep. It was 5:00am when they woke up and they were so hungry that they ate the pie. On the next day the farmer was going to punish them and he told them to go pick one fruit each. So thy did. The first kid came back with an orange and the farmer out it up his nose! The second kid came back with a cherry and the farmer put it up his nose! Both kids started laughing and laughung. The farmer said why are you laughing this was supposed to hurt. They said we saw the third kid picking a watermelon.