Old and New Jokes

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?

A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Twas the night before christmas, and we, being Jews,

My girlfriend and me – we had nothing to do.

The gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,

Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.

But for us, once the Chanukah candles burned down,

There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;

There werent any concerts to go to that night.

A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,

But we searched through the papers; there wasnt a thing.

Outside the window sat 2 feet of snow;

With the windchill, they said, it was 15 below.

And while all I could do was sit there a brood,

My girl saved the night and called out: CHINESE FOOD!

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots –

To cover out heads, our hands and our foots.

We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down,

And boarded the T bound for old Chinatown.

The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,

While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.

We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright

With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,

We crept through The Zone with its bums and its thugs,

And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.

At last we reached chinatown, rushed through the gate,

Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,

In search of a restaurant: Which one? Lets decide!

We chose Hunan Chozer, and ventured inside.

Around us sat others, their platters piled high

With the finest of fine foods their money could buy:

There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)

Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,

Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,

And General Gaus chicken a ma po tofu…

When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,

We said: Skip the menu! and ordered it all.

And when in due time the food was all made,

It came to the table in a sort of parade.

Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,

And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.

And chicken wings! Dumplings! and Beef Teriakis!

The courses kept coming from spicy to mild,

And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.

And while this went on, we became aware

Every diner around us had started to stare.

Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;

Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.

So much piled up, one dish after another,

My girlfriend and I couldnt see one another!

Now we sait there, we two, without proper utensils,

While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.

We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore

And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.

We tried – how we tried – but, said truth to tell,

Ten long minutes later and still hungry as hell,

We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,

And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.

We fressed and we feastered, we slurped and we munched;

We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched.

We ate till we couldnt and drank down our teas

And barely had room for our fortune cookies.

But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood

When it said: Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food.

And my girlfriend – well… she got a real winner;

Hers said: Your companion will pay for the dinner.

Our bellies were full and at last it was time

To travel back home and write some bad rhyme

Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak

About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,

And we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,

As we carried our leftovers home through the night:

Good Yom Tov to all – and to all a Good Night!

New domain names being proposed:

10..trekcontains audio files of William Shatner
9..billMicrosoft has bought this company
8..lovefor people who would rather cuddle
7..slowbased in a distant country with no T3 lines
6..geekassumes you know what all the acronyms mean
5..404we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996
4..y2kcontains theories about the end of the world
3..burnhuge multimedia files will crash your computer
2..*contains allegations about President Clintons sex life
1..duhexplains, in detail, stuff you already know

And here are even more new domain names being proposed:

.spamSites which offer to sell you everything you dont want
.buzExcessive use of Java Scripts
.aniHeavy use of animated GIFs
.hotThe most current, up-to-date sites
.oldSites which are updated about once a year
.carData on the automotive industry
.dogSites for dog lovers; or really ugly people
.catFeline fanatics (not to be confused with .pussy)
.birdAbout birds; as pets or as prey
.tripImages of family vacations – mental health warning
.helHealth care (.hell is copyrighted by Devil.com)
.peepDedicated to peeping-toms
.poohInformation for kids about Winnie The Pooh
.poop(left to your imagination)
.prezPresidential affairs (Paula, Monica, etc.)
.starPeople jealous of Presidential affairs
.sexSites which claim to have teenage girls waiting to do whatever you want, but are run by old guys. Also used for overflow from .prez
.dulFree sites which recycle the same low-rez images containing their URL
.lnxURLs which bounce you from one site to another, until you forgot what you wanted in the first place
.cntCounter sites, whos only purpose is to give someone credit for sending you someplace you didnt want to go
.chekURLs which use adult verification you have to pay for only to discover it isnt worth it
.jugsVariety of pottery; not female anatomy
.potCooking sites; not associated with the weed
.fanContains information about movie/music celebrities
.redUsed by soviet-block countries
.petConcerning household animals; but no Playmate Pets
.maxSites which dont accept your dads credit card because youve already maxed it out
.momInformation useful to mothers about child rearing
.dadHandy information about avoiding children
.kidTips on how to keep parents from finding out what youre doing on the Internet
.wedTips on planning a wedding; or avoiding one
.fitContains images of healthy people you didnt want to see
.fatAdult sites with images you REALLY didnt want to see
.assInformation shared by proctologists
.$$$Adult pay sites
.!!!REALLY good free adult image sites

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs Youre A Bad Surgeon General

10. Youve got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.

9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.

8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.

7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.

6. You thought Chicago Hope was going to be a hit.

5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.

4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called flu-proof socks.

3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.

2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.

1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

Can You name 3 Cars that start with P?

Nope, they all start with Gas!

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!

This guy is setting at a bar, and hes had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no.

The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, Well isnt there anything that you can give me? The bartender says, Ive got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch.

The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, Sure I can talk!

The guy thinks for a second and then says, Ive got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while Im gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.

The parrot agrees to watch the mans wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

Parrot: Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!

Man: Then what happened after that?

Parrot: They started taking each others clothes off.

Man: And then what?-getting more angry

Parrot: Your wife started jacking him off!

Man: What next?-really steamed by this time

Parrot: She started giving him a blow job!

Man: And what then, did they do anything else?

Parrot: I dont know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.

Why is my sister named Cornflower?

Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.

And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.

Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?

My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new

business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.

His new slogan was:

No Matter What Happens – You Get Your Cat Back!

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the brides and grooms families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, Silence in court!

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,

Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, OK.

Well, said Paddy, after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, God, that must have hurt!

Hurt? Paddy replies. He broke three of my fingers!