Old and New Jokes

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:

All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:

Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:

What is a grade?

Law School:

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:

Grades are variable.

Dept Of Logic:

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept Of Computer Science:

Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note ( and – would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept Of Physical Education:

Everybody gets an A

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they dont know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, I know what well do. After Ive operated on the priest, Ill give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.

Do you think it will work? she asks the doctor.

Its worth a try, he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, Father, youre not going to believe this.

What? says the priest. What happened?

You gave birth to a child.

But thats impossible!

I just did the operation, insists the doctor. Its a miracle! Heres your baby.

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, Son, I have something to tell you. Im not your father.

The son says, What do you mean, youre not my father?

The priest replies, Im your mother. The archbishop is your father.

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girls junior college, said during class, Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, Mr. Perkins, I dont think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this! With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, The pupil of the eye, in dim light.

Correct, said Mr. Perkins. And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

A blonde walks into an appliance store, and asks to buy a television set."Sorry," says the owner. "We dont allow blondes in here." The blonde leaves and dyes her hair brown. The next day, she returns and asks to buy the television."Sorry," says the owner. "We dont allow blondes in here." "Hey," says the blonde, shocked, "howd you know it was me?""Youve been trying to buy a microwave."

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend So the Ranger answers Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?

A guy goes to the Farmer to buy a horse. He give the farmer the money and says that he will be around later to pick up the horse.

When he returns he is shock to find that the horse is dead!

He goes to the farmer and asks what happen to horse and can he get is money back.

The farmer replies no because he has spent the money and that he has no more horses to give.

The guy is unhappy but says o.k. and takes the dead horse anyway.

The farmer is shocked but doesnt say anything.

A couple of weeks later the guy returns to the farmer to buy a couple more dead horses, so the farmer asked him what in the world would you want to do with a dead horse??

The guy replies that he had an auction to sell the dead horse, and
charged 10 pounds entrance and had over two hundred people there.

The farmer is shocked and said didnt anyone get angry when they found out that the horse was dead.

The guy replies only the person that won.

The farmer says what happened next, and the guy says nothing i gave him back his 10 pounds.

Hombre inteligente + mujer inteligente = Romance

Hombre inteligente + mujer tonta = Amorío

Hombre tonto + mujer tonta = Embarazo

Hombre tonto + mujer inteligente = Boda

Jefe inteligente + empleado inteligente = Utilidades

Jefe inteligente + empleado tonto = Productividad

Jefe tonto + empleado inteligente = Ascenso

Jefe tonto + empleado tonto = Horas Extras

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so, says St. Peter, have you ever had any contact with a penis?



Well, says the first nun in line, I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger. OK says St. Peter, Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven.



The next nun admits that Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit.



OK says St. Peter, Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven.



Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.



Well now, whats going on in here? says St. Peter.



Well your excellency, says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, if Im going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.

Laugh alone and the world thinks youre an idiot.

St. Moms Wort
Plant extract that treats moms
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.

Emptynestrogen
Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you couldnt wait
til they moved out.

Peptobimbo
Liquid silicone for single women. Two
full cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting

Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q., enhancing enjoyment of bar-style
country western music.

Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other
drivers.

Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is
highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, You make me
want to be a better person … can we get naked now?

Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-All
When combined with
Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so
severe the victim may even come home with an Eminem
Does Broadway CD or a Phyllis Diller exercise tape.

Jackasspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who cant
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-Talksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.

Sexcedrin
More effective than Excedrin in treating
the, Not now, dear, I have a headache, syndrome.

Ragamet
When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving
the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to
hell for up to 8 hours.