Old and New Jokes

One day at the end of class, little Johnnys teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so theres a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, Dont keep all your eggs in one basket.

Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, Dont count your chickens before they hatch.

Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, Dont fight with Uncle Ted when hes been drinking!

Había una vez en un concurso de quien miraba mas lejos, participaban un mexicano, un gringo y el tío chema por Guatemala.

Empezó por el mexicano quien dijo: De aquí a Italia hay un señor fumando… y fueron a ver y era cierto.

Le tocó al gringo y dijo: Mi ver de aquí a la China, que un chino estar cayéndose de su bicicleta… y fueron a ver y era cierto.

Le tocó al tío Chema y se quedó escudriñando el horizonte: una hora, dos horas, tres horas, al final un juez le preguntó:

Tío Chema ¿qué está viendo?

Y el tío Chema contestó:

Me estoy contando los pelos que tengo en el culo…

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, Im on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.



He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, Im on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole. Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.



He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.



He approached her and said, Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. Im in sales, also. What do you sell?



She replied, If I tell you, youll laugh. No, I wont.



Well, if you must know, she answered, I work for Tampax.



With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, See I knew you would laugh.



Thats not what Im laughing at, he replied. Im a salesman for Preparation H, so Im still a hole behind you!

Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

The trick is to stop thinking it is your money. – IRS auditor

A Business man, while out of town, decided to play a little golf after a
short work day. He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to
go out to the course and get paired up there. When he arrived there were no
guys ready to play, but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a
foursome. He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the
lady. While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy, but
were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years. They were both
getting very frustrated with their games. On the 18th, a par 4, the game was
about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2. When they
arrived on the green, they saw that this was the worst green that either had
ever seen. This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface.
He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six. He looked over the
green and was very frustrated. He said, If I make this shot Ill buy us
dinner tonight. He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through
the grove, around the short hill, and up past the cup and slowed. Just as
it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped,
and the ball rolled back into the cup. He made a great shot. Not to be
outdone the lady tried to line up her shot. She said, If I make this
shot Ill invite you to my place for drinks after dinner. The guy
interrupted her put saying, Wait! Let me help you line up the shot.
He walked all over the green trying to find the groove. He suddenly smiled,
walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, That is a gimme if I ever
saw one.

A Pro is giving a golf lesson to a woman on the tee. She swings the club
and dubs the ball. The Pro sees that the problem is with her grip of the
club and says to her, Try holding the club like you hold your
husbands….(you know)

Oh, says the lady, who takes out her driver using the
new grip and hits one 250 yards.

Thats good, the Pro encourages, but
try taking the club out of your mouth.

— You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!

— Sorry old chap! Here, take a shot at mine!

— Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?

— Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?

— No, for using the wrong club.

I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was somewhat
interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers, in
particular, late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the
single gentlemen who play in these leagues are skinnier than the married
ones. The way this fact was determined was as follows: the single golfer
goes out and plays his round of golf, has a refreshment at the 19th hole,
goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there, so he
goes to bed. the married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a
refreshment at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing
decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator…

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?

A: Chances are theyll both end up in the gutter.

A female computer consultant is helping a smug man set up his machine. She asks him what password hed like to log on with. Wanting to embarrass the woman, he tells her to enter the word PENIS. Without saying a thing, she keys in the password and almost dies laughing at the computers reply: PASSWORD REJECTED – NOT LONG ENOUGH.

A man & wife entered a dentists office. The Wife said, I want a tooth pulled. I dont want gas or Novocain because Im in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

Youre a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says, Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Overcoming his initial shock, he said to himself, Ah, young love … ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers … Cest magnifique! He continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he gasped. Mais … Sacre bleu! Ze woman — she is dead! and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived out-of-breath at the police station and shouted, Jean! Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gastons field making love.

The police chief smiled and said, Come, come, Henri, you are not so old: Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, Lamour! Zis is okay.

Mais non! You do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the police station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henris story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

Pierre, Pierre … this is Jean. I was in Gastons field … zere is a young couple naked aving sex, to which Pierre replied, Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, Lamour! Zis is very natural.

Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!

Mon dieu! Pierre exclaimed. The doctor grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gastons field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He walked inside, smiled patiently and said, Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British.