Old and New Jokes

A: They always forget the recipe.

Judge: Are you defending yourself?

Defendant: Yes, your Honor.

Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.

Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I dont want one. I plan to tell the truth.

Jaimito conjugaba el verbo andar:

Yo…, esto… ando, tu… andas…

Y le dice la profesora:

Más rápido Jaimito.

Yo corro, tu corres, el corre…

Your so poor one day i saw you kicking a can anmd when i asked you what you were doing and you told me you were moving!



Your so poor i stepped on a cockroach and your mom yelled you damn b**** that was our dinner!





You so poor I blew out your match and you yelled dad, the heaters out again!

Those with the best advice offer no advice.

Two Irishmen are standing on the top of a cliff, looking out over a huge
drop to the rocks below.

One turns to the other and says, OK, Paddy, a pact is a pact. Were
going to do it, right?

Paddy says, If you tink we should, Murphy, Im with you all the way. As
you say, a pact is a pact, but you go first.

Murphy thinks about this for a moment, then says, But youll be right
behind me, yes?

Oh, yes, Murphy. Ill do it, but I want to watch you first.

OK then Paddy. Im going. Goodbye!

With that, Murphy takes a budgerigar out of his coat pocket, ties some
string around its legs, and straps it firmly onto his head. He steps
forward to the edge of the cliff, and throws himself off.

The budgie flaps its wings like mad, but to no avail. It cant hold the
weight of a thirteen stone Irishman in the air by itself. Murphy falls
splat, and breaks both legs on the rocks.

Paddy has seen all this, but thinks, A pact is a pact. I have to do
it.

He takes a parrot out of his jacket pocket, straps it to his head,
salutes, and jumps off the cliff.

Now the parrot is bigger than the budgie, and Paddy is quite a bit
lighter than Murphy, so for a moment the parrot seems to be holding its
own against gravity. However gravity doesnt get tired, and gradually
Paddy starts to descend.

It seems he is going to make a graceful landing, when about halfway down,
he takes a gun out of his other pocket, and carefully points it at the
parrot on his head, and shoots it dead.

Of course he now falls splat, and breaks his legs too.
Lying there together, Murphy looks at Paddy and says, I dont tink much
of dis budgie jumping, Paddy.

Paddy replies, And Parrotshooting is not all its cracked up to be
neither!

A man phones home and tells his wife, I have a chance to go fishing for a week.
It is the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So, if you could,
please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk
pyjamas. I will be home in an hour to pick them up.

He goes home in a hurry, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, Did you have a good trip, dear?

He responds, Oh yes, great! The fishing was fantastic! You would not believe
the size of one that I caught. The only thing is that you forgot to pack my blue
silk pyjamas.

His wife smiles and says, Oh no, I did not. I put them in your tackle box!

A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________

(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – OR – Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge

____ (b) lead an army or

____ (c) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)

____ (a) Jewish

____ (b) Catholic

____ (c) Hindu

____ (d) Polish

5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in Americas far NORTH called?

____ (a) Westerners

____ (b) Southerners

____ (c) NORTHerners

9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)

_______________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.

Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?

____ (a) Wall Mart

____ (b) Kmart

____ (c) Canada

____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity?

____ (a) yes

____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.

16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?

____ (a) Minnnesota

____ (b) Florida

____ (c) Canada

____ (d) Wisconsin

18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?

____ (a) B.C

____ (b) A.D.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

(2) Advising the President.

(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

–David Letterman