Old and New Jokes

Theres this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the birds foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT! But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets angry and says, OK for you, and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the mans outstretched arm and says, Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?

A young woman brings her fiancee home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

So what are your plans? the father asks the young man. I am a Torah scholar, he replies. A Torah scholar. Hmmm, the father says. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as shes accustomed to?

I will study, the young man replies, and God will provide for us.

And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father.

I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us.

And children? asks the father. How will you support children?

Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, How did it go, Honey?

The father answers, The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks Im God.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, I caught them at the dam, so theyre dam fish.

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, Preachers arent supposed to talk like that.

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, Thats the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!

You can enjoy a BEER all month.
BEER stains wash out.
You dont have to wine and dine a BEER.
Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
BEER is never late.
HANGOVERS go away.
A BEER doesnt get jealous when you grab another BEER.
BEER labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
BEER never has a headache.
After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
A BEER wont get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
You can share a BEER with your friends.
You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
A BEER is always wet.
BEER doesnt demand equality.
A BEER doesnt care when you come.
You can have a BEER in public.
A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
You dont have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
BEER always comes in multiples of six.
BEER doesnt mind being in the wet spot that IT left.
You cant catch anything but a buzz from a BEER.
After you have a BEER, youre committed to nothing other than dumping the
empty bottle.
A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
BEER looks the same in the morning.
BEER doesnt look you up in a month.
BEER doesnt worry about someone walking in.
BEER doesnt worry about waking the kids.
BEER doesnt get cramps.
BEER doesnt have a mother.
BEER doesnt have morals.
BEER doesnt go crazy once a month.
BEER always listens and never argues.
BEER labels dont go out of style every year.
BEER doesnt whine, it bubbles.
BEER doesnt have cold hands/feet.
BEER doesnt demand legality.
BEER is never overweight.
If you change BEERs, you dont have to pay alimony.
BEER wont run off with your credit cards.
BEER doesnt have a lawyer.
BEER doesnt need much closet space.
BEER cant give your herpes or other nasty things.
BEER doesnt complain about the way you drive.
BEER doesnt mind if you fart or belch.
BEER never changes its mind.
BEER doesnt tease you or play hard to get.
BEER never asks you to change the station.
BEER doesnt make you go shopping.
BEER doesnt tell you to mow the grass.
BEER doesnt mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
BEER is always easy to pick up.
Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
BEER doesnt pout or play games.
BEER NEVER says no.
BEER is easy to get into.
BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
BEER doesnt need to go to the powder room with other BEERs
BEER doesnt wear a bra.
BEER doesnt mind getting dirty.
BEER doesnt complain about insensitivity.
BEER doesnt use up your toilet paper.
BEER doesnt live with its mother.
BEER doesnt blow you off.
BEER doesnt care if you have no culture or manners.
BEER doesnt bitch, yell, or cry.
BEER doesnt mind football season.
A BEER wont make you go to church.
A BEER is more likely to know how to spell carburetor than a woman.
A BEER doesnt think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
A BEER doesnt think DOS is pronounced dose.
A BEER doesnt give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around.
A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are
cute.
If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say doberman instead of
doberperson.
A BEER wont get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk
music on your favorite radio station.
A BEER wont claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
A BEER wont raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat
up.
If you mention a three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8 around a BEER, it wont
think youre talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
A BEER wont whine that seatbelts hurt.
A BEER wont smoke in your car.
A BEER wont argue that theres no difference between shooting down an
unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the
sky.
A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
A BEER will actually support belching and farting and share your
enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic
Games in Barcelona.
A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
A BEER never fishes for compliments.
Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
BEER tastes good.
If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to
drink it, the BEER wont accuse you of date rape.
A BEER wont raise any objections to an evening of watching John Holmes
Greatest Hits on your VCR.
An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
A BEER wont make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
A BEER wont accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse just for
the articles. (You are lying, but the BEER wont accuse you of it.)
A BEER wont worry that youll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game
without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
A BEER wont fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse:
But I saved a quarter!
A BEER will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
A BEER will never make you turn off Fists of Fury Theater on
channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
A BEER wont accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say Gene Hackman
instead of Gene Hackperson.
A BEER wont make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like
STP Oil Treatment.
When youre through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesnt make
you ill.

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?"The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound

1) Thirsty? 2) Where did the extra set of arms come from? 3) Why does it look so much like a lizard? 4) So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism? 5) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the
arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, You
are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours.

Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, I got done faster than I
expected to. John is down at the local pub. Sam went to the pub and saw John
throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam
put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The
surgeon said, Legs are a little tougher – come back in six hours.

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, I finished early – Johns down
at the soccer field. Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking
goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put
the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The
surgeon said, Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours.

Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, I am sorry, John died.

Sam said, I understand – heads are tough.

The surgeon said, Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that
plastic bag!

Un día en clases de educación para la salud, la maestra le pregunta a Jaimito, ¿qué medicamento es bueno para la diarrea?

Jaimito muy seguro responde: El brandy maestra.

La maestra asombrada le dice, Jaimito, el brandy es una bebida alcoholica y no es un medicamento.

Jaimito le dice: ¡sí, pero mi mamá le dice a mi papá todas las noches, toma

brandy a ver si se te para esa mierda!

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.

Who goes there? inquired St. Peter.



Its me, Bill Clinton.



And what do you want? asked St. Peter.



Lemme in! replied Clinton.



Soooo, pondered Peter. What bad things did you do on earth?



Clinton thought a bit and answered, Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldnt hold that against me because I didnt inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldnt hold that against me because I didnt really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didnt commit perjury.



After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, OK, heres the deal. Well send you someplace where it is very hot, but we wont call it Hell. Youll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we wont call it eternity. And dont abandon all hope upon entering, just dont hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

Q: Why are electric trains like a mothers breasts?

A: They were both designed for the kids, but its the fathers who are always playing with them.