These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
144. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, Stupid road runner….
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.
Hillary says to Chelsea, You have been going to college for a while now. Have you had sex yet?
Chelsea says, Well, not according to Dad.
For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss
Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All who wish to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study
The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at JCC. Please use the double door at side entrance
The Mens Club is warmly invited to an oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you
First…this is true. Entirely. Saw it in the newspapers and heard it from
comedian Mark Russell during a show of his that I worked on.
It seems that recently on the Today show, there was a white female guest
who was going to demonstrate self-defense she taught. She had brought along
one of her instructors, a black male, to be the attacker for the
demonstration. The staff at Today freaked, and insisted on replacing the
man, explaining that they could not be a party to such racist stereotyping.
The replaced the man with Bryant Gumbel.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing us from labor, honor, and color.
You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You know what a toque is.
Youve plugged a car in overnight.
Youve defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you dont own a gun.
En el ejército, el capitán hace un llamado a la tropa para conocerlos:
¡Formen filas, soldados¡, ordena con voz grave. Empezaran a decirme sus nombres de izquierda a derecha, ¿correcto?
Y la tropa comienza:
Luis, Carlos, Germán, Juan, Pedro…
… Artuuuuuuro, se escucha, con voz meliflua.
El capitán se percata de eso y ordena:
Dé un paso al frente, soldado.
Asà que el soldado Arturo da un paso al frente.
Su nombre, soldado.
Artuuuuuuro.
¡Como hombre!
Artuuuuuuuuuro.
¡Como hombre, carajo!
Artuuuuuuuuuuro.
¡DÃgalo militarmente, carajo!
Artu, tu, tutu, tu, tu, tutu, tu, tuturo.
14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13. Enjoy being a Sophomore — It will be the best three years of your life.
12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because its all fun and games until someone loses their nads.
11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative home pharmaceuticals business.
9. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
8. Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7. College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
6. I Phelta Thi is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
5. Remember – almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
2. Dont think of it as sleeping with your professor — think of it as acing Biology.
and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College…
1. In a pinch, beer can be used as a milk substitute in your breakfast cereal.
Buy one get one free –
This is just seconds after the company announced that the item would cost 20 times more than it used to.Some restrictions apply. –
Unless you are a 20-year-old coal miner from Virginia, this sale will not apply to you.Limited Time Offer –
It ends just before our commerical ends.Buy two for the price of one. –
See Buy one get one freeBuy 156 get one free! –
Were just testing how far a human will go for a freebie.Leaves floors virtually clean –
Removes all dirt that is from virtual reality, but doesnt get rid of any real dirt.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
A2: Six: one to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
A3: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
Did you hear that Disney is going to make a movie about Dee Dee Corodini? Yup, it will be called 101 Donations.