Old and New Jokes

Last week the DJ on radio station WZZO in Allentown, PA was discussing David
Hasselhoff, since there was some news item about him. He went on to say that
he liked the show Knight Rider much better than Baywatch.
He said that Knight Rider was more realistic, since he could more easily
believe that there was a talking car than that Pamela Anderson could form
coherent sentences on her own.

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

Now listen carefully, he told the homeowner, Im going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on

Ok, got it. the homeowner replied. But whats that shotgun for?

If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, the man said, shoot the Chihuahua.

Actual Fast Food Job Application



This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment……..



NAME: Greg Bulmash



DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.



DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.



EDUCATION: Yes.



LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.



SALARY: Less than Im worth.



MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.



HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.



DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.



MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?



DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?



DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?



HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.



DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.



WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.



DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.



SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hoods mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.

One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled Im going to fuck your brains out!

Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: Oh no youre not, youre going to eat me like the story says.

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $

90.

00. Patient: $

90.00 for just a few minutes work?!?!? Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like?

Un Lorito que se llamaba Matías vivía en una granja junto con su dueño Pedro.

Matías solía pegarle a todas las gallinas y pollitos de la granja porque decía que él era superior, así que Pedro ya cansado de todo eso decidió ponerle un Ggllo de pelea en el lugar donde estaban las gallinas cuando Matías no estuviera viendo.

Al día siguiente, el Matías se sale de la casa y se dirige al gallinero a hacer su ronda diaria. Pedro lo ve salir y sube a su cuarto porque desde allí se oye mejor, y de repente se escucha un alboroto en el gallinero, cosas quebrándose, vidrios y de pronto empieza a gritar Matías:

¡Peeeedro, Peeeedro! y se dice Pedro a sí mismo: Allí es donde lo quería. Tremenda paliza que le está pegando el Gallo.

Y vuelve Matías a gritar: ¡Peeeedro, Peeeedro! Ven Peeeedro. ¡Ven!

Y dice Pedro:

Ahí lo voy dejar un rato para que sufra.

Y sigue gritando Matías:

¡Pedro, Peeeedro. Ven Pedro. Ven a ver como tengo a tu gallo!

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.

Her comments were as follows,

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, Its gonna be great!

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically okay, but he just couldnt get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can…do; Those who cant…teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasnt quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver..

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasnt sure whether or not it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

The wife said sweetly to her new husband, Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing.

The husband looked at his wife and simply said, I know I have the product, Im just not sure how to position it!

    If youre American when you go into thebathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when youre in thebathroom?

    European!