Old and New Jokes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

– David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

– Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

– Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just cant face each other, but still they stay together.

— Hemant Joshi

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

– Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but Im not ready for an institution.

– Mae West

I was married by a judge…I should have asked for a jury.

– George Burns

Unknown Author Quotes

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore …

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 a minute.

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A: A new age song.

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, I vould like some blood.

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, I vould like some blood.

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, I vould like some plasma.

The waitress looks up and says, Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?

Whats the difference between Monica Lewinski and a vacuum cleaner?

Mouthwash.

Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?

A: You dont, you see if youve got 3 condoms.

This one was told to me by a rather strange acquaintance the other night.

Have you heard about South African chess? Its a variation on standard chess.
The object is to capture the black bishop. Of course, thats not very
difficult, as only the white pieces are allowed to move.

You can usually find someone to do it with.
If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
When you open a book, you dont have to worry about who else has opened it.
A little coffee and you can do it all night.
If you dont finish a chapter you wont gain a reputation as a book teaser.
You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
You dont get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
You dont have to put your beer down to do it.
If you arent sure what youre doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

A man goes up to an ATM machine. After entering his PIN, another man comes up behind him and tells him to withdraw $500. The man says that he doesnt have any money and was just checking his account balance. He shows the robber by checking his account balance. Sure enough, the ATM shows that there is no money. The robber curses and flees.

The man then reaches into his vest pocket and withdraws an envelope filled with cash and deposits it.

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didnt miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, And while youre in there, you might as well get my hat, too …

The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he

finally came over to our table and said…I am Polish and I can

take a Polish joke as well as the next Polack, but your continued

bashing of my race is getting a little old. Could you please change

the subject?

We did.

Shortly thereafter…..my friend had to to to the bathroom and the

burly Polack got up and followed him into the bathroom.

They were in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out,

I asked my friend what What happened in there?

He said Well, you saw him follow me into the can…….Well he

pulled a RAZOR ON ME!

Really scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever

been in a pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN!