A brunette says to a blonde Look! A dead bird! and the blonde looks up and says Where?
14
Jun
14
Jun
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old mans peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.
Thats okay, the old man replies after a moment. Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocalate off the M&Ms.
14
Jun
En una llanura sin espesura surgen tres personajes que son: el diablo, el arcángel San Miguel, y un viejo pastor:
Sale el diablo padrotamente vestido de rojo, diciendo:
Yo por estos montes diviso gente acostada. ¿Quién hijos de la chingada habitáis en estos montes?
Un viejo pastor al escucharlo, le contesta:
Yo soy el viejo pastor, que las montañas albergan y no me importa que seas el diablo: a mà me pelas la verga.
El diablo, enojado, responde:
¡Cállese, escuincle gritón, no le hable asà a su padre! ¡QuÃtese lo valentón, y váyase a chingar a su madre!
Contesta el viejo pastor:
En verdad que eres infante y no le temo al fuerte rojo. No me importa que seas el diablo: ¡Yo a los diablos me los cojo!
El diablo enfurecido se abalanza para agarrarlo a punta de chingadazos cuando, de repente, surge (¿quién, si no?) ¡El arcángel San Miguel!
¡Detente Satán maldito! ¡No abuses de tu poder! Que si a este pendejo quieres joder, ¡a mà me pelas el pito!
El diablo queda perplejo con la aparición y se dice para si:
Este pinche pastor me apantalla y hasta me hace ver visiones. Le voy a poner en su madre y a bajarle los calzones.
A lo que el arcángel San Miguel contesta:
¡Ninguna visión, cabrón, del meritito cielo vengo, y con esta verga que tengo, te voy a dejar panzón!
Los dos se enfrentan en cruenta batalla, donde surgen cocolazos, fregadazos y guamazos. Al final, el diablo todo madreado, le dice al arcángel:
¡Venciste, Miguel, venciste! Guarda ya tu larga espada; ahora sé que me venciste y me voy a la chingada.
Entre porras y rechiflas se cierra el telón. Si esta obra te gustó, rÃete no seas cabrón. Y si después de la oÃda no te gustó la puntada… como dice San Miguel:
¡Vete mucho a la chingada!
14
Jun
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnt because she didnt have any clothes on. He replies, Take my shoe and cover yourself with it, and go for help!She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us? The clerk replies, Im sorry, I think hes too far in.
14
Jun
Why was the dress moved to different locations?
What comes around goes around.
14
Jun
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
14
Jun
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says Why the long face?
14
Jun
A farmhand is driving round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, Ive got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and hes stuck in thebull-bars of my truck. Hes still wriggling — what should I do? "In the back of your truck theres a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.""So whats the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
14
Jun
After a few years of married life, an engineer finds he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him This is all in your mind. and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, I can cure this. He throws powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says This is a powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 123 and it will rise as long as you wish!
The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens when its over?
The witch doctor says All you or your partner has to say is 1234 and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says 123, and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says What did you say 123 for?
14
Jun
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old indian. Above the old indian was a sign that read, $5.00 – If I cant tell you where youre from, Ill pay you $50.00!.
The young man watched a cowboy approach the indian and ask, Is the sign right?.
The indian says, yes.
The cowboy hands him a five and says, youre on!
The indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, youre from Wyoming!.
The cowboy shakes his head and says, Ill be darned! Youre right! and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The indian says, youre from Montana!
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides hes going to give the indian a run for the money. He goes into the mens room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the indian. He hands the indian a five dollar bill and says, do your stuff!
The indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled.
The young man is now thinking hes gone one up on the indian.
The indian says, Youre from Texas!
The young man gets really upsent and cant for the life of him figure out how the indian could know that, so he asks, How in the world did you know Im from Texas?
The indian replies, by the wool on your zipper!