Old and New Jokes

Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.

An attorney ran over to the office of his client. I cant believe it! said the angered attorney, You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now were certain to lose this case!



Relax, said the client, I sent it in the prosecutors name.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

Only in America…
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Stosh and Stan were recently laid off when they decided to rob a bank. They planned for weeks so that everything would go smoothly when the heist took place. Stoshs job was to crack open the safe and detain the manager and Stans job was to grab the money from the safe and the teller windows.

When the robbery took place, Stan gathered up all the money from the tellers but when he got to the safe, it was all tied up and the manager had a strange look on his face.

STOSH! Stan cried out. I said BLOW THE SAFE and TIE UP THE MANAGER.

(For those of non-Polish descent, Stosh and Stan are well known old world Polish names)

A guys car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.

He asks the man at the counter,

Do you have any rooms available?

The man at the counter says,

Yeah, but dont stick your dick in the 3 holes.

OK. The guy agrees and walks to his room.

A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole.

He says,Ahh,that feels good! Then he sticks his dick in the second hole,Ahh,that feels even better! Then he sticks his dick in the third hole,OUCH!!My dick!!

He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep.

The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, You stuck your dick in the three holes didnt you?

He said, Yeah, how did you know?

The man at the counter said,

Well, my wife is pregnant,my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.

Ratio of an igloos circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscopeTime between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecondWeight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigramTime it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because its less filling: 1 lite year16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod SerlingHalf of a large intestine: 1 semicolon1000 aches: 1 megahurtzBasic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepowerShortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles365.25 days: 1 unicycle2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 10 cards: 1 decacards1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin10 rations: 1 decoration100 rations: 1 C-ration2 monograms: 1 diagram8 nickels: 2 paradigms2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?

A: A girl.

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.

An oldish nun, in full penguin garb was standing next to a VERY busy wide road wanting to get to the other side, but not standing much of a chance with the traffic passing at high speeds in a continuing stream.

Just then a huge motorcycle driven by a leather jacketted, chain bedecked heavily bearded man comes roaring along. As he passes her he notices the nun, makes an extremely dangerous turn in the road, roars back, parks his bike next to the road, jumps off, dashes into the middle of the road, gesticulates, holds up his hands and manages to stop the traffic. The nun walks across to the other side and our bearded hero gets out of the way letting the traffic resume.

When he gets to his bike, the nun awaits him and thanking him she expresses some surprise at his daringly good manners and concern for her, traits not normally associated with the looks of him and the like.

His response, Hey man, believe me, any friend of Batmans a friend o mine.