Old and New Jokes

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money.

Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods.

The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground four times.

The hunters went into the woods and killed four rabbits and could not find anymore.

The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than four rabbits.

The buyer was impressed and bought the dog. The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was hunching on his leg and scratching the ground and shacking a stick in his mouth.

The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him. About two weeks later he seen the previous owner and told him what happended.

The owner told him he was trying to tell you there was more fucking rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.

Three engineers and threeaccountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountantseach buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and youll see,"answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seatsbut all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train hasdeparted, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom doorand says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emergeswith a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy theengineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). Whenthey get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineersdont buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" saysone perplexed accountant. "Watch and youll see," answers an engineer. When theyboard the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers craminto another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of theengineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants arehiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

"Im going fishing."
Really means… "Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a streamwith a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""Its a guy thing."
Really means…. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"
Really means… "Why isnt it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means… Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response."It would take too long to explain."
Really means… "I have no idea how it works.""Im getting more exercise lately."
Really means… "The batteries in the remote are dead.""Were going to be late."
Really means… "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Take a break, honey, youre working too hard."
Really means…."I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""Thats interesting, dear."
Really means… "Are you still talking?""Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love."
Really means… "I forgot our anniversary again.""Thats womens work."
Really means… "Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.""You know how bad my memory is."
Really means… "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal."
Really means… "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.""I do help around the house."
Really means… "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing."
Really means… "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.""I cant find it."
Really means… "It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.""What did I do this time?"
Really means… "What did you catch me doing?""I heard you."
Really means… "I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and Im hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next days yelling at me.""You look terrific."
Really means… "Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.""I missed you."
Really means… "I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""Im not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means… "Im lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.""I dont need to read the instructions."
Really means… "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfields ear:

10. Got a little carried away after seeing Face/Off

9. Really wanted to win first prize on Americas Funniest Home Videos

8. Like this doesnt happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curlys ear, its hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess youve never heard of a little thing called strategy

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense — he wouldnt stop punching me!

2. Disqualified sounds better than got his ass kicked all over the ring

1. He ran out of gum

Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?

Because they are murmurs of the tied.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you.

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, I want the house. Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, I want the kids too. The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph. She says, I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too. The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, Is there anything you want? The husband says, No, Ive got everything I need right here.

She asks, Whats that?

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph… Ive got the airbag!

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steves body, Bob and Jeff realize theyll have to inform his wife. Bob says hes good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. So did you tell her? asks Jeff.

Yep, replies Bob.

Say, where did you get the six-pack?

She gave it to me.

What? exclaims Jeff. You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?

Sure, Bob says.

Why? asks Jeff.

Well, Bob continues, when she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steves widow. Widow, she said, no, no, youre mistaken. Im not a widow.

So I said, Ill bet you a six-pack you are!

Entra un tipo al consultorio del psiquiatra, mirándolo de arriba abajo:

Doctor, tengo complejo de superioridad.

No se preocupe, amigo, yo lo voy a curar…

¡Pero qué me va a curar usted, inútil!

One afternoon a cute brunette knocked on the door of her blonde neighbor, to chit chat the afternoon away. The blonde answered the door, and said to her brunette friend, Well, you certainly look upset. What happened?

The brunette answered, You bet Im upset! Look what my husband sent me… six dozen roses. You know what that means? Im going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.

Her blonde friend replied, Now thats really silly. Why dont you just use a vase instead?