Old and New Jokes

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.



The first nerd was stunned and asked, Where did you get such a nice bike?



The second nerd replied, Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want!



The second nerd nodded approvingly, Good choice, the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Dinner Special – Chicken or Beef $2.25; Turkey $2.35; Children $2.00

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldnt they be wearing night gowns?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Tres hombres se encontraban desolados y casi muriendo de inanición en medio de un bosque, cuando de repente se les aparece un genio y les dice: Soy El Genio, como estoy borracho hoy, ando de celebración, así pues tengo para cada uno de ustedes un deseo, pidan lo que quieran y les será concedido…

Al oir esto los tres hombres aceptaron inmediatamente, entonces el genio les dijo:

Yo les concederé lo que quieran, pero deben correr a lo largo del puente que atraviesa esa quebrada y tirarse, que abajo de él les esperará su deseo.

Dice el primer hombre:

Yo quiero Mujeres corre y atraviesa el puente y cuando cae, le reciben allá abajo muchas mujeres.

Dice el segundo hombre:

Yo quiero Dinero, corre y atraviesa el puente y cuando cae le recibe una gran montaña de dólares.

Dice el tercer hombre:

Yo quiero… y cuando corre se tropieza y exclama: ¡Mierda!

Q:whats round,white and giggles?



A:a tickled onion

You might be a redneck if…
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the Presidents staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the mans tractor.

Sir, the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

Did you see this terrible accident happen?

Yep. Sure did. The man muttered unconcernedly.

Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?

Yep.

Were there any survivors? the agent gasped.

Nope. Theys all kilt straight out. The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.

The President of the United States is dead? The agent gulped in disbelief.

Well, the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. He kept a-saying he wasnt … but you know what a liar he is.

1. Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using

this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this

exam for you.

2. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its originas to the

present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic,

religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and

Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific.

3. Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and

given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system

has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the

problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

4. Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of

gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Dont

suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

5. Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are

storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language

except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.

6. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human

culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with

special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English

parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

7. Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and

building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build

a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform

are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

8. Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a

clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

9. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the

emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations

of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and

Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each

mans work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary totranslate.

10. Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at

your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are

two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the

wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as

soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We

feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

11. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be

associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test

your theory.

12. Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been

placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction

manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal

tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel

appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions.

13. Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have

done to prevent the Great Depression.

14. Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a

straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations

had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

15. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.

Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,

if any.

16. Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

17. Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook

paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should

be true to life.

18. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an

in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics

on science.

19. Metaphysics: Describe in detail the nature of life after death.

Test your hypothesis.

20. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its

significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

21. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific.

22. Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

Questions to Ponder about Viagra

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as assault with a dead weapon.

Viagra, medicines version of MIRACLE-GRO. Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesnt really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise youll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and theyll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clintons DNA.

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VIAGRA CAUSES PANIC ———————— WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:

FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented, Theres no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. Weve got to make sure it doesnt fall into the wrong hands,like President Clintons, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake.

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced one another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
The deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you dont believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it, too.