It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,What are you charged with?
Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.
Thats no offense, said the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?
Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.
There was this guy he walked into a bar. He told the bartender he wanted a beer. Well he noticed that the bartender had quite a body on him. He says to himIm not trying to sound gay but you have a muscalar body but such a little head why is that?
The bartender had been asked this question before he says to me one day he begins. I was walking through the woods and I got lost and then from beyond a tree I heard a voice and it was saying help me I looked around and couldnt find anyone then I heard it again help me well I looked down a seen a frog The frog asked me to kiss her and she saidI will turn into a beutiful genie I looked around and seen nobody was around so I kissed her and there she stand naked and beutiful she told me that I had three wishes She asked me what my first one would be. I said I want to have a body like arnald swarnegger so she muttered a spell and poof I stand there body build and everything I took my clothes off and she says to me your second wish I said I want to make love to you by the lake here and she said poof your wish is granted they lay there for hours making love and then after we are done she said to me you know you still have one more wish. I said How about a little head
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dummy!
Dummy who?
Dummy a favour and go away!
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
Runners-up: [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.
Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriffs Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
[AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
[Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock — and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
======================== Special Merit ======================== [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Mans Mouth at Party
A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it, Payne said. It wouldnt go off and this guy said, Ill show you how to set it off.
He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. I just cant imagine anyone doing something like that, Payne said.
[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portlands University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a mens rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, I feel so dumb about this.
No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorneys office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Five – One to make the old light bulb stop working, one to create a new light bulb, one to remove the old light bulb and replace it, and one to try and stop them all.
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?
One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping!
I wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I wont rise to the occasion, but Ill slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where theres a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Two rules to success in life: 1. Dont tell people everything you know.
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.
Draft beer, not people!