A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. Hed always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought hed become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results. The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise — he got 150%. He quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark. The instructor said, “No, thats right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine — a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it — a fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the tail pipe.”
Ralph is driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that its
his daughters birthday and he hasnt bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop
assistant, How much is that Barbie in the window?
In a condescending manner, she asks, Which Barbie?
She continues, We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes
to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes
to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.00.
Ralph asks, Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are only $19.95?
Thats obvious, the sales lady replies. The Divorced Barbie comes
with Kens house, Kens car, Kens boat, and Kens furniture.
Brussels police department, how may I assist you?
Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.
Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?
No.
Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?
Bill Gates.
Country?
The USA.
Native language?
English.
Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?
Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.
Weve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?
Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I dont see any custard, so I really dont think it was a custard pie.
Have you visited the Prime Minister before?
Yes.
Were you hit in the face with a pie then?
No.
Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?
Yes.
Any pies then?
No.
Okay, well.. lets try something. Go outside the building and come in again. Ill wait.
Just a minute.. Okay, Im back.
Did you get hit by another pie?
Of course not.
Well sir, I dont know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. Ill make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. (click)
From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and Jim Griffith.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. You arent so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. What took you so long to answer? I was in bed. What were you doing in bed this late? Getting a second opinion.
Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.
A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you cant fix it.)
With an E-Wok.
Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies! Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:
Heres a little story of a man named John A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone It seems one night after gettin with the wife She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife Pecker that is, Rodeoed, fillet food
Well, the next thing you know theres a ginsu by his side And Lorenas in the car taking willie for a ride She soon got tired of her purple headed friend And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend Curve, that is Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed over there To John Waynes henry that was wavin in the air Found, that is By a fence, evidence
Now peter and John couldnt stay apart too long So a d***-doc said Hey, I can fix your d**g! A needle and a threads just the thing youre gonna need Then the world held its breath till they heard that John peed Whizzed, that is Stitched seam, straight stream
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short) They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape And his pecker was the only one they didnt show on tape
Video, that is, Unexposed, case closed
1. No matter what my problem is, its the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether shes cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only wont he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isnt a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.