(I heard this from an MIT grad, who says its a classic).

A student pushes a loaded shopping cart up to the express checkout
lane at a Cambridge grocery store. The cashier looks at the cart,
looks at the student, looks at the EXPRESS–EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS
sign, and says to the student, Are you from Harvard, where they
dont know how to count, or MIT, where they dont know how to read?

John Bobbit Virus–

Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

•Oprah Winfrey Virus–

Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

•Politically Correct Virus–

Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic micro-organism.

•Right to Life Virus–

Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

•Government Economist Virus–

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

•Federal Bureaucrat Virus–

Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

•AT&T Virus–

Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

•MCI Virus– Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

•Sprint Virus–

Every 3 minutes it tells you that its better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

•PBS Virus–

Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

•Health Care Virus–

Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

•New York Jets Virus–

Makes your Pentium II 266 MHz computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.

•LAPD Virus–

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self-defense.

•O.J. Virus–

Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

•Ross Perot Virus–

Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

•Ted Turner Virus–

Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

•Dan Quayle Virus–

Their is sumthing rong wit yourre komputer, we jsut cant figyour out watt.

1. Make fun of people
2. Spike your hair.
3. Pierece yourself in places that cause horrible pain.
4. Dye your hair.
5. Talk about sex and drinking, no matter how inexperienced you are.
6. Talk like you are stoned, even if you arent.
7. Say Duuuuuude. a lot
8. Ruin society

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, But we dont know anything about each other.He said, Thats all right, well learn about each other as we go along.So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.She said, That was incredible!He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you wed learn more about ourselves as we went along!So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.He said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

This is an invaluable tool for grading the Redneck experience in immigrants and visitors from the North. This test really cant be cheated on … either you know it or you dont. One Yankee only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas rednecks typically score around 20+.

How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
What was the number and color of Richard Pettys cars?
Bill Dance is good at what?
What university does Bill Dance root for?
Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin language?
What is a chigger?
What is scrapple?
Where is The Redneck Riviera?
Whats that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, _______________.
Whats the common name for a bowfin?
If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
Who sang Your Cheatin Heart?
What are grits made out of?
Who was nicknamed The Bear?
Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
Who was Andy Taylors love interest?
What are the radio station call letters that carries The Grand Ol Opry?
Where would you find Vidalia County?
What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
What is a scuppernong?
Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
Why do you want to eat high on the hog?
What color is a John Deere?
What do you call the offspring of a mule?
What will you harvest when you plant shade?

Score 3 points per correct answer. Youre given 1 point to start.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

6. The coffee machine is broken….

5. Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot.

4. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off!

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-laws death.

40-ish… 52 and looking for 25-year-old.

Athletic… sits on the couch and watches sport.

Average looking… unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back.

Educated… will always treat you like an idiot.

Free spirit. . . sleeps with your sister.

Friendship first… as long as friendship involves nudity.

Fun… good with a remote and a six-pack.

Good looking… arrogant.

Honest… pathological liar.

Huggable… overweight, more body hair than a bear.

Likes to cuddle… insecure, overly dependent.

Mature… until you get to know him.

Open-minded… wants to sleep with your sister but shes not interested.

Physically fit.. . I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself.

Poet… has written on a toilet wall.

Spiritual… once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday.

Stable… occasional stalker, but never arrested.

Thoughtful… says please when demanding a beer

Q:hear about the carrot that died??



A:there was a big turnup at the funeral