Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.
28
Oct
28
Oct
A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter asked him if he wanted his pizza in 4 slices or 8.
"Better make it four, cause I really cant finish 8 slices."
28
Oct
Whyd the chicken cross the road? To show the blonde how!
28
Oct
what did your momma say when she saw a bus?
28
Oct
A Cyberspace friend of mine here in Istanbul who teaches computer science to junior high-school students related the following (real) occurrence in one of his classes.
It was the early days of the school year and he was describing the machines (PCs) to the kids in general terms. As he was explaining keyboard functions he pointed out that if the computer ever got locked up (he demonstrated a lock-up) you could regain control of the machine by pressing CTRL-ALT-DEL simultaneously (demonstrating that, too).
Some of the kids objected that their hands were too small and that they werent quick enough to hit all three keys at once.
As the teacher began explaining and demonstrating that all you needed to do was hold down CTRL+ALT with one hand and press DEL with the other, his eye happened on a boy in the front row: He had the index finger of his left hand on the left CTRL key, the index figure of his right hand on the right ALT key and after searching for the DEL key for about five or ten seconds, he paused for a moment as if thinking what to do next and then calmly pressed it with his nose…
28
Oct
15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes.
9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile.
8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the Slim Jim: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, Hey, its Vomit Man!
4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants.
3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 – Youre now sober enough to realize Drink Canada Dry is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
28
Oct
There was a university in New England where the students operated a bank of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.
A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the bank and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicious C, retyped it and handed the work in.
In due course he received it back with the professors comments I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!
28
Oct
Why did God give deers eyes? I have no eye-deer!
28
Oct
(I hope youve all been following the latest European agricultural problems.)
So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on
the Johnson Farm.
The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks.
28
Oct
[The following, possibly apocryphal story appeared in this mornings
(28/03/91) Glasgow Herald.]
Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function,
asked: Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?
Certainly not, was the reply. First, you are drunk. Second, it
is not a waltz, but the Venezualan national anthem; and third, I am
not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio.