Old and New Jokes

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, Do you have a condom?

Donald says No.

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesnt get a condom that they cant have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says yes we do and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.

The clerk asks Would you like me to put that on your bill?

Donald says NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

How do you know youre at a bulimic bachelor party? When the cake jumps out of the girl!

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Define lightbulb.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

Andaba Ramiro enojando vociferando por las calles de La Habana y se encuentra a su gran amigo Filemón, quien le dice: ¿Qué pasa Ramiro? ¿porqué tan enojado? Es que todo esto es por culpa de Fidel… ¿De qué tiene la culpa Fidel, hermano? Pué que para comprá azúcar, una maldita cola, para comprá harina, una maldita cola, y que si va comprá tú carne, otra maldita cola… y no se diga de la gasolina hermano, otra maldita cola… ¡ya estoy cansado!… ¡yo voy a matar a Fidel! Oye chico quieto, que no andes por ahí diciendo tarugadas ¿cómo de que vas a matar a Fidel? ¿que tú estas loco de la cabeza, hermano? Mira Filemón, ahorita que me voy y que mato a Fidel… él tiene la culpa de todo esto…

Total que Ramiro arranca para donde Fidel para matarlo. Pasadas las horas, Filemón se encuentra a Ramiro sentado en una banqueta viendo la gente pasar…

Oye chico, yo ya te hacía agujereado en un paredón… ¿que tú no ibas a matar a Fidel y que no se qué? Pues mira hermano, yo iba, pero es que para matar a Fidel hay ¡¡UNA MALDITA COLA!!

A husband apple and a wife apple were having a discussion.

Honey, you seem upset… said the husband apple to his wife apple.



Yes dear, I am. she replied.



What is the matter? he asked.



The wife apple would not say what the matter was and she kept hesitating.



Finally, the husband apple got very upset, and demanded to his wife apple, You better tell me what is wrong! I want to get to the CORE of things!

One day two men walked into the bar. Both men were exactly alike, a clone you could say. They both sat down for the bartender to fix them a drink. The first man sat down, waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When it was given to him he drunk it very fast, left, and had a happy life. The next man sat down, and waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When the drink was given to him he drunk it very slowly, and died right there on the spot. Why did the first man live but the second man die?



Answer: The bartender placed a poison in both of the drinks. The trick is, the poison was in the ice. So, the first man drank the drink so fast that the ice didnt melt, so the poison did not get in his drink. The second man drank the drink way to slow, so the ice had time to melt out into the drink. The poison got into his drink and he died.

You know uncle Rons cure for AIDS: Sit down and keep your mouth shut!

From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker according
to the Wall Street Journal:

A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a
particularly colorful bird and asked its price.

Five thousand pounds, the shop owner replied.

Five thousand pounds? the man asked. Why so much?

Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is
brushing up on his German and starting to study English, came the
reply. With the European Communitys unification due in 1992, hell
be a great asset.

I dont care about the Common Market, the parrot fancier said.
What about that gray one in that other cage?

The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke
Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese–the
languages of the 21st century.

Im too old to worry about the 21st century, the frustrated parrot
lover replied. What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in
the corner?

The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds.

Twenty-five thousand pounds! exclaimed the customer. What does
he do to worth that?

Were not sure, the pet-shop owner replied. But the other two
call him chairman.

The couple are merrily banging away, going ten to the dozen then she hears
the sound of a car door slam shut.

Oh shit cries out the woman, Its my husband coming home early.
The man mutters Holy Shit under his breath, panicking about his
prediciment.
Quickly the woman replies as she gathers up his clothes. Take these and hide
in the closet until the coast is clear.
He picks up the offered garments and steals away to the large closet. He closes
the door and crouches down.

After a while he gets the sneaking feeling that hes not entirly alone.
Dark in here, isnt it. The young boys voice confirms it. The womans son must
have been hiding here during the whole sordid act.
Holy Shit the man mutters again. Listen sonny. If I give you ten pounds
will you keep all this to yourself and not tell anyone.
The young lad thinks for a minute before saying Tell you what, make it a fiver
and youve got a deal. (Evidentally the lads state education wasnt totally
wasted…).

The man hunts around for his wallet and pulls out some money, using the light
beaming through the keyhole to deduce its demonination. The boy quickly takes
the money and tells the man that his secret is safe. He breaths a sigh of
relief and eventually manages to escape.

The next day at breakfast the young lad pulls out the fiver from his pocket and
starts to work out what he can buy with it.

Whats that? his father demands. A five pound note? Where did you get it
from? Did you steal it?

No. I earned it the boy wails.

A likely story. You stole it didnt you?

The father rises from his chair and removes the money from the boys hands.
Go to confession this instant and pray for your forgivness, you thief.

The boy relucantly trudges off to the local Church, walks in and walks up to
the confessional. Once at the door he pushes it open and finding it vacant, he
walks in, closes the door and sits down.

Oh, dark in here isnt it the boy whispers.

A voice from the other side calls out : Holy Shit, not you again