Old and New Jokes

dragonballgt trunks

Not for those who take their religion TOO seriously…

Taoism:
Shit happens
 
Confucianism:
Confucius said: Shit happens
 
Buddhism:
If shit happens, it isnt really shit.
 
Zen:
Whats the sound of shit happening?
 
Hinduism:
This shit has happened before!
 
Islam:
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah!
 
Protestantism:
Let shit happen to someone else.
 
Catholicism:
If shit happens, you deserve it.
 
Judaism:
Why does this shit always happen to us?
 
Atheism:
I dont believe this shit!
 
Agnosticism:
Whats this shit?

This guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. There is a really good looking girl alone at the end of the bar. He catches her eye, and smiles at her. She gives him an icy stare in return.

A little while later he tries again, and is rebuked. He calls the bartender over. Listen, Id really like to meet that girl, can you help me.

Sure says the bartender, have you ever heard of Jewish Fly.


No, is it like Spanish Fly, replies the man.

Much better than that. Says the bartender.

The bartender mixes the girl a drink, (with the Jewish fly of course) and gives it to her.

A little later she smiles at the man. After a few more minutes and she began to lick her lips suggestively.

The man walks over, sits down and says May I get you another drink

No, she says in a deep sexy voice,

But you can take me shopping

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.



Well the first guy says, I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.



Well the second guy says, Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.



Well the third guy says, Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.



Well the fourth guys clearly states, Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.



The other three guys say really? Whys that?



And the fourth guys says, Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didnt know what to do … so I shit my pants!

One day a Canadian an Indian and an American went to a cliff.

The American says Lets each throw something over the cliff
that we have too much of in our countries.

The American throws $100. The other two say Whatd ya do that
for? The American replies Money weve got plenty of it in the US.

The Indian pulls out a bag of weed and throws it over. The other
two say Whatd ya do that for? The Indian relpies Drugs, weve got
it too much in India.

The Canadian throws the Indian over the cliff. The American says
That was kinda cold, what was that for? The Canadian replies:
Weve too much of that in our country.

The matchmaker goes to visit Nathan Birnbaum, a handsome, middle-aged, bachelor, and owner of several very sucessful Gentlemans Clubs.


She claimed she had the perfect match for him.

Vat do I need a vife for, I have two young sisters det look after all my all my needs.

Dats all vell and gut she replied, However, your sisters cant fulfill the role of a vife.

I said I had two sisters, I didnt say det vere MY sisters

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild
thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were
only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him,
What happened to the other five condoms?

His nervous reply was, Er, I masturbated with them.

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him
the story, and then asked him, Have you ever done that?

Yeah, once or twice, he told her.

You mean youve actually masturbated with a condom before? she
asked.

Oh, he said, I thought you were asking if Id ever lied to my
girlfriend.

Why its better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. Weve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks were gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WERE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We dont have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If were dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We dont have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends wont think were weird if we ask whether theres spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. Well never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

No laundry the boy said, Im going to wash my dog.

But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

The boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.

Oh, What was it then? I think it was the spin cycle!

A: Three, but theyre really only one.