what do you call a whole bunch of black people runnimg down a hill?
10
Jan
10
Jan
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
10
Jan
Oh…thats odd…I thought I had reservations!
10
Jan
The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadnt been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters. Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled The Mystery of the StarBuck. THE CAFFEINATED CROSS
Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness. Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone: LATTE Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel: MOCHA Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder: CAPPUCHINO Bring it across to your right shoulder: FRAPPUCHINO Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra: ARABICA, OH MAN! Extend your arms to the sides, and intone: BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.
09
Jan
Q: Whats the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee–If No Recovery!
09
Jan
Estaban dos loquitos, que tenÃan tres dÃas sin comer, en el cementerio. A lo lejos ven un pedazo de pan tirado en el suelo y ambos salen corriendo a todo pulmón, empujándose y golpeándose, hasta que uno gana y de un tirón se lo engulle. El que no comió nada se le queda mirando y con aire de desaprobación le dice:
¡Cómo es posible que te comas esa porquerÃa! ¡Quién sabe de dónde salió y qué suciedades tendrá!
Entonces, aquel siente náuseas y vomita todo. El otro loquito rápido comienza a comerse el vómito y a decir:
Asà es como me gusta a mÃ: calientito.
09
Jan
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
09
Jan
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
09
Jan
Q. Why wont men ever pick up after themselves?A. Why should we? It doesnt really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well youll pick it up when you finally get tired of looking at it.Q. Whats with all the belching and farting?A. This usually only occurs after months of courting. Its our way to let you know that were comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.Q. Why do men hate shopping?A. Going shopping simply makes no sense of any kind to men. This is comparable to going from restaurant to restaurant, looking at all the food, putting some in your mouth, but never actually swallowing (I wont even comment on the subject of women and swallowing).Q. How can men be so inconsiderate?A. Frankly, Im hurt that you can even say such a thing. Lets take sex for instance. If a man lasts more than five minutes with you, hes thinking of nothing but you. To a man, an orgasm is an orgasm, whether achieved after five minutes or an hour of intercourse. Remember that the next time you have sex. We do it all, and we do it for you.Q. Why cant men ever leave the toilet seat down?A. Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the peeing frequency over the sitting frequency. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, its actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. Youre the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. After all, we aim to please.Q. Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers?A. Who wants to pee in front of a guillotine, much less a pink fuzzy one? All the extra fuzz makes it impossible for the toilet seat to stay up properly. You either have to be talented enough
09
Jan
Jack was a grumpy old man, who likes visiting pubs. He loved to tell people in the pub of all his belongings.
One night, old Jack went to a local pub. As the night get older, Jack gets drunker.
One of the locals there, offered him a lift to his house.
He invited the man into the house. Jack asks the man, Do you see that lamp?
Yes the man replied.
Well, thats mine. Do you see that carpet?
Yes.
Well thats mine.
Old Jack show the man everything and make him aware of all his belongings. They finally came to the bedroom.
Do you see that bed?
Yes.
Well, thats mine.
Do you see that women on the bed?
Yes.
Well, thats mine.
Do you see the man next to her?
Yes Jack, I see!
Well, thats me.