Old and New Jokes

It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not well with her attractive daughter. To her pointed questions, the girl tearfully admitted that motherhood was approaching and that a close friend of the family was responsible.

With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friends house and confronted him. The man readily admitted his guilt.

But I have a very good reason. the soon-to-be dad said.

I doubt that Ill ever get married and wanted an heir to leave my fortune to. If your daughter presents me with a daughter, Ill give her $500,000. If she bears me a son, Ill make it a million.

Hearing this our distraught Mother was silent for a while. Then, finally, she gave her reply. Now see here, said the Mother, Thats totally unacceptable. If its a miscarriage, will you at least give her another chance?

What do you call 3 black guys in a barn?????????????

Did you hear about the lawyer who was solicited to be a Jehovahs Witness?

He refused because he didnt see the accident but said he would be interested in taking the case.

Members of different nations discussed the happiest day of their lives.

The Frenchman said that the happiest day of his live would be when he meets a pretty young lady, who will become his lover, would be always nice to him, be available day or night…

The American said, that it would be when he inherits his family business. And after making successful strategic changes in his organization, the stock value of the company raises five points on a market.

And than the Russian said: When I hear heavy kicking to my doors at 3:00 am.

Petrov?!

No, next floor!

Your mamma is so fat . . .

She had to get baptized at SeaWorld.

•WinErr: 001 Windows loaded – System in danger

•WinErr: 002 No Error – Yet

•WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file

•WinErr: 004 Erronious error – Nothing is wrong

•WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted – System confused

•WinErr: 006 Malicious error – Desqview found on drive

•WinErr: 007 System price error – Inadeqaute money spent on hardware

•WinErr: 008 Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments

•WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered – God knows what has happened

•WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full

•WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space – Free at least 50MB

•WinErr: 00C Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More! More!

•WinErr: 00D Window closed – Do not look outside

•WinErr: 00E Window open – Do not look inside

•WinErr: 00F Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened

•WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

•WinErr: 013 Unexpected error – Huh?

•WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.

•WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error – System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.

•WinErr: 019 User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

•WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten – Please reinstall all your

software. We are terribly sorry.

•WinErr: 01B Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that

•WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.

•WinErr: 01D System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.

•WinErr: 01E Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

•WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers

•WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes – Remaining errors will be lost.

•WinErr: 042 Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.

•WinErr: 079 Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed.

Please click the left mouse button to continue.

•WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.

•WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

•WinErr: 683 Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure

•WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory – Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.

Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:

When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.

No one knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet? OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?

Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

No one knows why.

Rule #4:

Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldnt have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.

If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.

Im told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #7:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts.
Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea.

No one knows why.

Rule #8:

Never buy a man anything that says some assembly required on the box.

It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent mens stores.)
It doesnt matter if he doesnt know what it is. (From NAPA Auto, eh?
Must be something I need. Hey!
Isnt this a starter for a 68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.)

Rule #10:

Men enjoy danger. Thats why they never cook – but they will barbecue.

Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?

Rule #11:

Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.

Everyone knows why.

Rule #12:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you dont know why – please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13:

Its hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.

Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.


No one knows why.

Rule #14:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8 manila rope.

No one knows why.

What is a country song played backwards?

Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car

starts, you get your job back and life is great.

At a friends wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.

Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, I was just trying to be a good ring bear.

A husband took his wife to play her first round of golf…..

Nervous, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the largest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, I warned you to be careful! Now well have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, Come on in.

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique lamp was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke my window?

Uh…yeah, sir. Were sure sorry about that, the husband replied.

Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, Im a genie, and Ive been trapped in that lamp for a thousand years. Now that youve released me, Im allowed to grant three wishes. Ill give you each one wish, but if you dont mind, Ill keep the last one for myself.

Wow, thats great! the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, Id like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.

No problem, said the genie. Youve got it, its the least I can do. And Ill guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want? the genie asked.

Id like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world, she said.

Consider it done, the genie said. And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!

And now, the couple asked in unison, whats your wish, genie?

Well, since Ive been trapped in that lamp and havent been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.

The husband looked at his wife and said, Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, You know, youre right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldnt mind, but what about you, honey?

You know I love you sweetheart, said the husband. Id do the same for you!

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?

Why, were both 35, she responded breathlessly.

No kidding, he said, Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?