Old and New Jokes

A man goes into a police station and the desk sargeant asks him what he
wants.

The man says, Someone has stolen my camel, I went into a bar for one drink
and when I came out it was gone!

Now, sir, I think we have had more than one drink. Why dont you just go
home before you end up in a cell for being drunk and incapable, says the
sargeant.

The man pleads his innocence, Listen, I am not drunk and my camel has
definitely been stolen. Please help me.

Okay, says the policeman. Let me have some details. Give me a desciption
of your camel.

Thank you, the man says. Well, it is a greyish brown colour, its got two
humps, it is a male and it…

Hold on, not so fast. How do you know it is a male of the species? the
sargeant enquired.

Well, the man explained, The other day I was riding it down the High
Street and two men were on the pavement and as I passed them one of the
men turned to his friend and said, Look at the prick on that camel!

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84

30. War Dims Hope for Peace

31. If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kill 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband should never question his wifes judgement. Look whom she married!

A lifetime in snooker my dearest, its happened to you, so dont forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure its at the end of the day.

A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.

Advice to the new bride: You cant be treated like a doormat if you dont line down.

Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, dont waste that night with the girls.

After a moment of quite repose Its tum to tum and toes to toes After a moment of sheer delight Its back to back for the rest of the night.

All marriages are happy; its the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.

Always talk to your wife while youre making love…if theres a phone handy..

And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him…

And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesnt know the first thing about women or fractions.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a brides mind: aisle, altar, hymn.

As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.

Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, cos you know where the wild goose goes.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.

Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, Ive always wanted a prick like my mothers.

Confucius say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.

Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.

Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.

Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

Dear {bride}, Isnt it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy – and now its happening all over again!

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Dont be too liberal at the country party or youll wind up in Labor.

Dont buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.

Q: What do you say to an army officer as youre about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.

A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said, Yes.

The salesman said, Well, can I see him please?

Johnny snickered and said, No, he is in the shower.

Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.

Johnny said, Yes.

The salesman said, Well can I see her?

Johnny snickered again and said, No, shes in the shower too.

The salesman then asked, Do you think they will be out soon?

Johnny laughed this time and said No.

The salesman asked, Why?

Well, Johnny said, when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jaguar!
Jaguar who?
Jaguar nimble, Jaguar quick!

It just doesnt get any Beta than this.

Michigans Secretary of State is under fire for recalling a vanity auto license plate that was deemed offensive.

The plate reads 4 RU486, a reference to the French abortion-inducing drug. Critics of the action point out that other vanity plates which could be considered offensive, such as CAL-GIRL, GSPOT, HORNY, HUMP, I124Q, JUGS and NADS, have not been recalled.

Then theres Theresa Watt; shes had her name on her plate for 20 years: TWATT.

A state spokeswoman said that 4 RU486 was recalled under the illegal activity or substance portion of the license plate law, but the critics retort that neither RU486 nor abortion is illegal. (AP)

… Nor is it illegal to be horny, to have a G-spot.

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

Its beautiful! cried the man, Does he do any tricks?

Yes he does, answered the salesman. If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing Jingle Bells. And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Amazing! exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that hed bought.

Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know know any tricks? asked the wife. The man smiled and said, Watch this. Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing Jingle Bells. Then he put the match under the birds left foot, and it began to sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Thats incredible! Does he do anything else? the wife asked.

I dont know, lets see. replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls I told my husband that I would be home by midnight….I promise!

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way to easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing hed probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution especially since I was smashed, in order to avoid a conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 oclock. He didnt seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, We need a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, Oh crap!, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.