The President planned a news conference this week to try to calm the jitters of the investors over Wall Streets antics. He had planned to have a lot of charts and graphs to show everything was alright.
The session had to be canceled though. Seems Chelsa took all the crayons in the White House with her when she went away to college.
Q: How many Contract Bridge players does it take to change a Light Bulb?
A: Five. One to change it; their partner to stare at them in complete confusion; one opposing player to ask the partner what they think the changer means by this; the other opponent to complain to the tournament director that there was a deliberate hesitation before the light bulb was changed; and the tournament director to agree and have the old bulb put back in.
1. Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America… do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
10. Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Una pequeña victoria es…
Para el conductor de un coche común…
…Ver un Mercedes Benz en llanta.
Para un tenista mediocre…
…Ver a Sampras cometer doble falta.
Para el viajero común…
…Ver que su valija es la primera en una banda sin fin.
Para el no fumador que sufre con el humo que echan sus visitas…
… Descubrir con placer que ese visitante es alérgico a los gatos.
Para el bebedor que debió abandonar la bebida por su salud…
… Leer en el periódico que el médico culpable de Tamaña Injusticia fue detenido por manejar borracho.
Para el ciudadano común que debe utilizar un teléfono público…
… Colgar el tubo al terminar la llamada y recuperar la ficha.
Para el humilde poseedor de un modesto bote de cinco metros…
… Ver que el dueño de un presuntuoso yate de veinticinco metros está mareado.
Para el dueño de un coche nuevo…
… Descubrir que al menos el reloj del auto anda bien.
Para un cuentacorrentista…
… Poder cobrar un cheque en otra sucursal de su banco sin tener que mostrar dos formas de identificación; tres referencias comerciales y una nota de su empleador o de su madre.
Para un muchacho que apenas puede pagarse la entrada al cine y ni siquiera le sobra para comprarse un paquete de galletitas…
… Ver a otro espectador atragantarse y pagar bien cara su glotonerÃa.
Para el tipo con una casa común…
… Pasar por una fastuosa mansión y ver que la visita el plomero.
Dos judÃos entran a un restaurante para comer. Al terminar piden la cuenta. El primero le dice al otro: Paga tu y el segundo contesta: No paga tu
Y asà se quedaron discutiendo por media hora hasta que uno de ellos llegó con la siguiente idea y le dice a su amigo:
Ok, hacemos una apuesta. Aquà hay una pecera, metemos la cabeza ahà y el que la saque primero paga la cuenta.
Los dos aceptaron la apuesta.
Al siguiente dÃa sale en el periódico:
Dos judÃos muertos en una pecera.
Bakers First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
Arnolds Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesnt. (2) If it does exist, its out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!
Several years ago we had an intern who was not very swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary.
Im almost out of typing paper, he said. What do I do?
Just use copy machine paper, she said to him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining piece of blank typing paper, put it in the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies!
23. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.