Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chicken!
Chicken who?
Chicken the oven, I can smell burning!

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five–one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.

Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him.

The second smiled, Thats nothing he said. I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them.

The third grinned and said You two didnt have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks to get the smile off her face.

Estaban en un mitin todas las mujeres del mundo para hacerle a Dios tres peticiones muy importantes para ellas, y entonces, baja San Pedro con su libretita y su lápiz para apuntar sus peticiones.

Díganme hijas, cual es su primer petición.

Primero, queremos que la regla no sea cada mes, que sea cada seis meses porque es una chinga estar cada 28 días con esas molestias.

San Pedro anota la petición en su libretita.

Muy bien hijas, ¿cual es su segunda petición para el Señor?

Segundo, queremos que el embarazo no dure nueve meses, porque es muy cansado estar cargando esa panza todo ese tiempo, queremos que dure solo tres meses.

San Pedro anota la petición número dos en su libretita.

Perfecto hijas mías, y por último, ¿cual es la tercer petición?

Por último, queremos que el pene del hombre sea bonito porque ¡realmente es horrible!

San Pedro consternado anota la petición número tres y les pide a las mujeres que se reúnan nuevamente en un mes más.

Después del mes, se vuelven a reunir y las mujeres aclamando: que vivan las mujeres, que vivan las mujeres esperan a San Pedro que baja ipsofacto ante tal escándalo y comienza su discurso.

Hijas, la petición número uno, será otorgada parcialmente. La regla será cada cinco meses, porque seis estuvo medio cabrón. La petición número dos, será otorgada también parcialmente. El periodo de embarazo durará cuatro meses y medio, fue lo más que pude hacer por ustedes. Y la tercera petición, fue declinada completamente por nuestro señor.

Y las mujeres gritando y reclamando: ¿Pero por qué, señor?

Y les contesta San Pedro: ¡Porque si feo y peludo se lo maman, bonito se lo comen!

Why do black people hate aspirin?

Theyre white.
They work.
And you have to pick cotton to get to them.

When the woman walks into the psychiatrists office he cant but help notice she has a duck under her arm. A real, live duck, with a beak. But hes an experienced psychiatrist, hes seen some weird things in his time and he decides not to mention it until the patient does.

So he says, How can I help you, Mrs Brown?

And she replies, Oh goodness, theres nothing wrong with me. Im here on behalf of my husband. He thinks hes a duck.

One night in a sleepy town, the chemical plant explodes into flames. The alarm goes out and fire units from miles around race to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approaches the fire chief, All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the fire unit that brings them out safely!

With this the firemen attack with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still have not gained any ground. With this the company president offers $100,000 to the fire unit that brings out the companys secret files. In the distance a lone siren is heard and soon another fire truck comes into sight.

The fire chief realizes that it is the little rinky-dink volunteer fire unit composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement the fire engine races through the chemical plant gates and drives right into the middle of the inferno. He can see these old timers hopping off their rig and fighting the fire with an effort that he has never seen before.

Less than an hour later the fire is out and the secret formulas have been saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president is so ecstatic he doubles the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers the chemical company president cant help but ask what they will do with the reward money. The engineer (driver) looks him right in the eye…

The first thing well do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck!

A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?"

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.

Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next years
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).

These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:

Michael McShane

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.

Im a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what Ill forget.

Sue Murphy

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
thats how dogs spend their lives.

My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, Mom, go for it!

Fred Reiss

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.

Yuppie pregnant women dont go into labor, they go straight into management.

Jake Johansen

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, I didnt know there were any witnesses. Now Ill
have to kill you too.

Buzz Belmondo

It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian. But before
I give myself great pleasure….

Lank and Earl

Lank: Here we go. Were about to set a new record.

Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?

Lank: Weve done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
20,000 women.

Bruce Baum

I dont kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
globes. They freak out and yell, Whooa, Im way too high.

Mark Pitta

I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car. When you go into
a tunnel, its hard to come out on the right note. Actually, the news is
more difficult.

I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with
Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented
Bambi and The Deerhunter.

Mark Guido

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
had towels from my house.

I play golf even though I hate it. Im not done with a game yet.
I hate those windmills.

Steve Kravitz

How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! Whats the deal on those anyway?
You can sleep in the back while youre waiting for a tow truck.

Jim Samuels

I dont have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.

This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I dont
have to sit at the card table.

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a
party dressed as a Pinata.

Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for
70 mph.

Al Clethen

In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings.
They came out with Happy To Be Alive Meals. LA is a real strange
place. Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow.

Kevin Rooney

I have one of those real old American-built cars. The kind that
just PUNCHES through accidents.

John ?????

You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend
called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the
bathroom. Its very simple, I said. You start by filling up the
bathtub with water…

Michael Prichard

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

Authors Unknown, but still funny

There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast
as you can. Its harder for drunk people to hit you.

Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest
people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. Blind, masochistic
minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the
women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey.

Youre a great crowd. No, youre not a crowd, youre a mob.