Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next days meeting, he called down to Im afraid not, sir, the clerk told him, but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, Manicures 25 cents. Why not? thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents. The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his thing into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his thingy…

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

Two rednecks are hiking through the woods when they spot a grizzly bear in the distance, charging towards them.

One of them stands rooted to the spot, while the other bends down, calmly takes off his boots, and starts to lace up his running shoes.

The first redneck looks over and says to his friend, Why bother? No one can outrun a bear. His friend looks up and says, I know that. But all I have to do is outrun you.

Come on, Steve, one guy said to another at the gym, your wife is not as bad as you say. What would you do if you found another man in bed with her?

Id break his white cane and shoot his dog.

Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, and shell screw it in as soon as she decides it isnt going to hatch.

A priest is walking along a pier in Rome when he sees a fisherman ready to go out fishing.

He starts a conversation and the fisherman asks if he would like to go fishing with him. The priest says he knows nothing about fishing. The fisherman says hell explain everything the priest needs to know.



As soon as they get out into deep water, the priest reels in this huge fish. The fisherman looks at the fish and says Father, thats one big son-of-a-bitch



The priest looks at the man and says My son, please refrain from using that kind of language.



The fisherman thinks quick and says No father, thats what they call this type of fish, a son-of-a-bitch



The priest, knowing nothing about fishing says What an interesting name



When they get back to land, the priest is excited about the fish he caught. He runs to the parish and sees the Bishop in the Chapel.



Hey Bishop, look at the size of this son-of-a-bitch I just caught



The Bishop jumps back and says Father, how dare you use that kind of language in church



The priest says No,Bishop, thats the name of this type of fish. Its called a son-of-a-bitch



The Bishop says Really, well how about if I clean the son-of-a-bitch and then Ill take it to Mother Superior so she can cook the son-of-a-bitch



The Bishop cleans the fish and brings it to the Mother Superior.



Mother Superior, I just cleaned this son-of-a-bitch, would you mind cooking it for supper



The Mother Superior gasps Bishop, you of all people should know better than to use that kind of language



The bishop says No sister, thats what you call this type of fish. Its called a son-of-a-bitch



Oh says the Mother Superior, Of course Ill cook the son-of-a-bitch



That night at supper, the Pope comes over for dinner and comments on how delicious the fish was and wonders where they got it.



The priest says I caught the son-of-a-bitch



The bishop says I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch



The Mother Superior says I cooked the son-of-a-bitch



The pope looks at all three for a long time, puts his feet on the table and his hands behind his head and says You know, you fuckers are OK

Entropy has us outnumbered.

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.

The Lord gets up one day and decides its time to make human
sexuality. He calls his assistant Jocko and asks him to bring a large
bowl over to the ingredient workbench. He then begins the recipe. In
goes a healthy portion of lust, some friendship, understanding, and a
little bit of loneliness. Finally, he adds love and the mixture is
ready for the final touches. He tells Jocko

Go into the back room and bring me five of the most sensitive
nerve endings we have.

Jockos eyes open wide in astonishment and with obvious fear and
respect stutters

Ah, sir. You know that I never question anything you do.
After all, you are the Lord. But are you sure that human beings can
handle that much sensitivity ? Remember, we only put two sensitive
nerves in the fingers, and only three under the arms.

The Lord looks down at his little helper and replies

Jocko, I know what Im doing. In fact, make it ten. I think
Id like to hear my name said out loud once in a while.

13. Psychotic Mood Shift12. Pack My Stuff11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome 10. Perpetual Munching Spree 9. Puffy Mid-Section 8. People Make Me Sick 7. Provide Me with Sweets 6. Pardon My Sobbing 5. Pimples May Surface 4. Pass My Sweatpants 3. Pissy Mood Syndrome 2. Plainly Men Suck And The Number One Is: 1. Pass My Shotgun