Old and New Jokes

IBM: Its Being Mended

En una clase de biología, el profesor hablaba sobre los altos niveles de glucosa hallados en el semen. Una joven novata levantó la mano y preguntó:

Si le he entendido, ¿está usted diciendo que hay un montón de glucosa, como el azúcar, en el semen masculino?

Es correcto, respondió el catedrático, y siguió añadiendo información estadística al respecto. Levantando la mano de nuevo, la chica cuestionó:

Entonces, ¿por qué no sabe dulce?

Tras un silencio incómodo, la clase por completo estalló en risas. La cara de la pobre chica se volvió rojo brillante cuando se dio verdadera cuenta de lo que había dicho inadvertidamente (o más bien implicado); cogió sus libros sin decir una palabra y salió de la clase… para nunca más volver. Sin embargo, mientras cruzaba la puerta, la respuesta del maestro fue de antología. Éste, totalmente serio, respondió a su duda:

No sabe dulce porque las papilas gustativas para el dulzor están en la punta de tu lengua y no en el fondo de tu garganta.

Two men at the same hotel are out on the balcony.



First man-Im on my honeymoon. How about you?





Second man-Yeah, me too.





First man-I had sex with my wife before we were married. How about you?





Second man-Shit, I dont know. What was her maiden name

Why dont they water ski in [insert your favorite minority country]

They dont have any lakes on a slant.

Modern Travel: To promote airline safety, a proposed FAA rule would
require that every suitcase checked on a US flight be on the same
plane as its owner. That means that even though you want to fly to
Orlando at 9am, you may end up on the 10pm plane to Boise. (Jerry
Perisho)

Major airlines oppose the plan. They are even against a less stringent
rule that would require luggage and owners to be in the same country.

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our childrens soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldnt be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldnt mention anything about his fathers whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

Yes, he replied, she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But dont worry. I told her I didnt know!

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies In House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
Headless Body Found In Topless Bar

THOU SHALT NOT CALL TECH SUPPORT. They dont want to talk to you, period. No matter how difficult you think your problem is, the person who picks up the phone doesnt give a sh*t. At all.THOU SHALT NOT CALL TECH SUPPORT. I cant stress this enough. The answer to your piddly-ass problem is probably on the web or in a manual. Are you illiterate? (If youre reading this, the answer is probably.)THOU SHALT REBOOT THY COMPUTER. According to recent poll that I just made up, 75% of all calls to tech support are solved by restarting the computer. This is the simplest, easiest way to keep from breaking the first two Commandments. SO FREAKING REBOOT OR ILL RIP OUT YOUR SPLEEN AND REPLACE IT WITH A FLAMING BAG OF EXCREMENT.THOU SHALT NOT FORGET THY PASSWORD. Do you know your name? Your address? Forgetting your password is like pooping your pants. Crash helmets will be distributed at the end of class, and were breaking into your house to replace all your silverware with plastic sporks.THOU SHALT SWALLOW THY PRIDE. Theres nothing worse to a phone tech than someone who calls up and immediately says Im a network engineer, and… or I already did that. Let the tech do his/her job and shut up. Youre not going to save any face by pretending you know more than they do. You already sacrificed that by calling in the first place.THOU SHALT DO WHAT THE TECH SAYS. Following instructions is a time-honored tradition since the early days of human civilization, and is no less important now. So quit jumping ahead.THOU SHALT NOT ASSUME THE TECH IS GOD. Tell the tech whatever is on your screen to the letter. They cannot see what you see. This isnt the Wizard of Oz youre calling.THOU SHALT NOT BE AN ASS. You may have already talked to 6 people before, and had all sorts of troubles, but you WILL NOT take this out on the tech. They are more than happy to hang up on your whiny ass.THOU SHALT NOT CALL BECAUSE OF HIGH PING TIMES IN SOME DAMN GAME. Hone

It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world… its an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the United States Marine Corps.
Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.
Where am I? should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.
Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counselor.
Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
Its perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.
You know that youve had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.
Ive had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.
Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).
Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example) builds endurance.
The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.
Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.
To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.

If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?

Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?

What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?

How do Keep off the grass signs get where they are?

If the plural of mouse is mice, shouldnt the plural of house be hice?