Old and New Jokes

A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: “God, if I dont win the lotto, I will lose my business.” She didnt win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I dont win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car.” Still, she didnt win. So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I dont win the lotto, I will loose my business, my car and my house.” Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, “Buy a ticket.”

Young
Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s
getting tired of it.
He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink
says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas
is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa.
If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave
a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”
Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father
asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want
a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up.
When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going
around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want
to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into
a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs
and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside,
looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and
walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What
did Santa bring you this year?”
Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog,
but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: How many times have you cheated on your wife?

The first one answers Never! St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

The second man answers Oh, about 25-30 times. He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.

The third man answers Maybe 400-500 times and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to why the sad face?.

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!

Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Boss, to four of his employees: Im really sorry, but Im going to have to let one of you go.Black Employee: Im a protected minority.Female Employee: And Im a woman.Oldest Employee: Fire me, buster, and Ill hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast itll make your head spin….To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:I think I might be gay…

Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheens character on The West Wing.His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is That Bob Vila guy.Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, The state or the DC thingie?At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, You wanna wrestle?!?Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, I win!On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a Lifeline.

You might be a redneck if…
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball…"

Q: How can you tell if the drummers platform is level? A: Drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, and nurturing
social deal and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they
– with amazing calm –
call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet
under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitz en’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the
chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and
repaint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon
monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas
tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-deg

(On Late Night on 6/6/89.)

Dave has one of his more respectable guests on the show, a Connecticut
lady (didnt catch the name) who caters weddings and other social
events, and has written books on the subject.

She poses a question for Dave, that apparently someone has written her:

Suppose have have set up a huge party in honor of someone. You
have set up a band, a large outdoor tent, and a complete spread of
hors doeuvres, etc. Hundreds of invitations have been sent out.

Then, the night before the event, the guest of honor dies. What would
you do?

Dave replied, Make sure he had adequate ventilation.